"Get Out or Get Trampled": Texas Streamlines Evictions for Maximum Efficiency

In a stunning display of legislative efficiency, Texas has decided that the best way to solve homelessness is to make it illegal faster. Senate Bill 38, lovingly referred to as the "Get Out or Get Trampled Act," ensures that if you’re poor enough to squat, you’re poor enough to be evicted before you can even finish your ramen noodles.

Governor Greg Abbott, known for his deep empathy and love of razor wire, signed this bill with the same enthusiasm one might reserve for kicking a puppy off their porch. "These are commonsense reforms," Abbott declared, presumably while polishing his collection of eviction notices. "Why should someone enjoy the luxury of four walls when they haven’t even contributed to my campaign fund?"

Senator Paul Bettencourt, the bill’s architect, explained that squatting is a dire threat to Texas homeowners—second only, of course, to the existential horror of property taxes. "Imagine waking up to find a family living in your guest house," Bettencourt shuddered. "Next thing you know, they’ll be drinking your LaCroix and voting Democrat."

The bill’s most innovative feature? Speeding up evictions so swiftly that tenants won’t even have time to Google "tenant rights" before they’re back on the street. Justice courts must now hold trials within 21 days, because nothing says "due process" like a legal system moving faster than a landlord spotting a rent check bounce.

But don’t worry, squatters! There’s still hope. Under Texas law, you can still claim adverse possession—if you’re willing to live in a house for 10 years, pay taxes, and cultivate the land like some kind of agrarian pioneer. Just don’t expect any help from the state. After all, this is Texas, where the only thing we cultivate faster than evictions is political donors.

So, to all the unhoused Texans out there: consider this your eviction notice from society. The state’s message is clear—if you can’t afford a home, you can’t afford due process either. Happy camping! (Just not on private property.)