Baby Drop Boxes: The Government’s Latest Plot to Turn Fire Stations into Human Vending Machines

In a shocking turn of events that has left conspiracy theorists like myself utterly floored, Lubbock has recorded Texas' first-ever use of a so-called 'Safe Haven Baby Box.' That’s right, folks—apparently, we’ve reached the point where infants are being deposited into what can only be described as a glorified Amazon Locker for humans.

According to the 'official' story (which, let’s be real, is probably just more deep-state propaganda), a newborn was 'safely surrendered' in one of these dystopian baby-drops at a Lubbock fire station. Officials claim the box is 'temperature-controlled' and 'secure,' but I’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know this is just Phase 1 of the government’s plan to normalize human vending machines. Next thing you know, they’ll be installing these at Whole Foods so you can grab a kombucha and a surprise infant in one convenient trip.

The real kicker? The box locks from the outside and silently alerts authorities. Sounds an awful lot like the kind of tech used in those underground bunkers where they’re supposedly keeping the lizard people. And don’t even get me started on the 'Baby Moses Law'—because nothing says 'biblical' like shoving your kid into a metal drawer and hoping for the best.

But here’s the real question: Why isn’t Austin getting these boxes? Is it because our city council is too busy plotting to replace all our Whataburgers with quinoa dispensaries? Or is it because they know we’d fill them with actual Moses-style baskets, complete with handwritten notes like, 'Please raise this child to hate toll roads'?

Either way, mark my words: This is just the beginning. First, it’s baby boxes. Next, it’s mandatory RFID chips in every brisket. Wake up, sheeple!