Texas Winter Escapes: Come for the Warmth, Stay for the Regret

Oh joy, another listicle telling us where to flee when winter rears its ugly, snow-covered head. And guess what? Texas—yes, Texas—is apparently the Promised Land for those who think anything below 70 degrees is a personal affront. WalletHub, the same geniuses who probably rank ‘best places to cry over your credit score,’ have decreed that Houston, Austin, and Dallas are the spots to thaw your frozen little heart. Because nothing says ‘winter escape’ like sweating through your artisanal linen shirt in January.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Houston snagged the top spot, which tracks because nothing warms the soul quite like bumper-to-bumper traffic and air so thick you could chew it. Austin, our beloved ‘weird’ little sister, came in second, presumably because nothing says ‘vacation’ like paying $18 for a taco and dodging scooters piloted by tech bros who’ve had one too many cold brews. Dallas rounded out the top five, because if you’re going to escape winter, why not do it in a city that’s basically a giant shopping mall with a side of existential dread?

But wait—there’s more! McAllen, bless its heart, ranked first in ‘local costs’ but dead last in ‘things to do.’ So if your idea of a winter getaway is saving $3 on a margarita while staring at a parking lot, congrats, you’ve found your Mecca. Killeen, meanwhile, scored so poorly on attractions that even the soldiers stationed there are like, ‘Yeah, we’d rather deploy.’ And let’s not forget Brownsville, where the only thing warmer than the weather is the regret of realizing you spent your vacation budget on a flight to… Brownsville.

The real kicker? These rankings are based on ‘ease of travel’ and ‘affordability.’ Because nothing says ‘relaxing winter getaway’ like fighting for overhead bin space on a Spirit Airlines flight next to a guy who definitely didn’t pay for his ‘personal item.’ And sure, Austin’s ‘weather rank’ is a solid 6, but let’s be real—that’s just because WalletHub hasn’t experienced the sheer panic of a 40-degree ‘cold front’ that sends locals into a collective meltdown.

So pack your bags, snowbirds! Trade your parkas for SPF 50 and your dignity for a timeshare presentation. Because if there’s one thing Texas does well, it’s making you question all your life choices—just with better weather.