Yogurt Shop Murders "Solved"—But Was It Really Just Another Deep State Cover-Up?

In a shocking turn of events that has left conspiracy theorists everywhere clutching their tinfoil hats, authorities have finally connected the dots between a 1998 Kentucky homicide and the infamous 1991 Austin yogurt shop murders. That’s right, folks—turns out the real culprit wasn’t Big Government, Big Yogurt, or even Big Tofu (though I still have my suspicions). No, it was just your run-of-the-mill, garden-variety serial killer. How boring.

Robert Eugene Brashers, a man so forgettable even his own Wikipedia page would’ve been a stub, managed to evade justice for decades while leaving a trail of bodies across multiple states. But thanks to the magic of "science" and "DNA"—allegedly—authorities have now pinned him to the yogurt shop massacre. Convenient, isn’t it? Just when we were starting to suspect the real killers were the four men originally accused, who were later exonerated because, oops, turns out they didn’t do it. But hey, who needs due process when you’ve got a good old-fashioned witch hunt?

And let’s talk about Brashers for a second. This guy was so bad at life that even prison couldn’t keep him locked up—he served a whopping three years for attempted murder before being released to, you guessed it, murder some more. Clearly, the system works. But don’t worry, because now, thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement (and, let’s be real, probably some shadowy government algorithm), we can all sleep soundly knowing that the man responsible for these heinous crimes shot himself in the head 25 years ago. Justice served!

Meanwhile, the original suspects—who spent years of their lives under suspicion, one of whom died in an officer-involved shooting—are still waiting for their records to be fully cleared. But hey, at least they got a heartfelt "our bad" from the DA’s office. That’s gotta count for something, right?

So here’s the takeaway, folks: If you’re planning a life of crime, make sure to leave behind some DNA evidence that won’t be testable for another 30 years. And if you’re a cop? Maybe double-check your work before ruining innocent lives. But what do I know? I’m just a guy who thinks the Austin City Council is run by lizard people. Wake up, sheeple!