"ICE Agents Mistake Snowbound Mom for Cartel Kingpin, Nation Shrugs"

In a stunning display of efficiency, ICE agents have once again proven that their primary mission is to protect and serve—unless, of course, "protect and serve" means not shooting unarmed mothers in broad daylight. The tragic death of Renee Nicole Good, a U.S. citizen and mother of three, has sparked outrage—not because ICE agents allegedly executed her in cold blood, but because they didn’t even bother to check her immigration status first. Talk about bureaucratic oversight!

According to Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Good was part of a "mob of agitators"—a term historically reserved for people who, you know, exist near ICE operations. Witnesses say Good was trying to drive away when an agent decided her vehicle was a weapon. Clearly, the agent had never seen Fast & Furious, or he’d know that cars only become weapons when Vin Diesel is behind the wheel.

Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, in a rare moment of political clarity, called the official story "[expletive]." Meanwhile, Austin activists are gearing up for protests, because nothing says "justice" like standing outside an ICE facility in 40-degree weather while agents inside sip coffee and ignore you.

In related news, the Trump administration has announced plans to expand ICE operations into every facet of American life. Coming soon: ICE agents at your kid’s soccer game, ICE agents at your grandma’s bingo night, and ICE agents lurking in the dairy aisle, just waiting for you to reach for the wrong kind of cheese. Stay vigilant, folks. And maybe invest in a snowplow—apparently, that’s all it takes to trigger a federal shooting spree.