EXCLUSIVE: Austin Schools Under Attack (By Foreign Agents or Just the Vegan Agenda?)

Oh, sure, Austin ISD wants us to believe that a social media threat to three elementary schools "originated from outside the country." How convenient! Just like how they want us to believe that traffic jams are caused by too many cars and not the secret underground tunnels the city council uses to smuggle in vegan activists. Wake up, sheeple!

Let’s break this down. A masked figure with firearms—classic boogeyman imagery—posted online, and suddenly, we’re supposed to accept that this was some international boogeyman? Please. Everyone knows the real threat is right here in Austin, where the deep state is slowly replacing our children’s chicken nuggets with quinoa patties.

And of course, the district’s solution is to increase police presence at the schools. Because nothing says "we’re totally not hiding anything" like flooding campuses with armed officers while whispering, "Oh, don’t worry, it’s probably just some guy in a basement overseas." Meanwhile, have you seen the new school lunch menus? I rest my case.

But hey, at least they’re being "abundantly cautious." That’s code for "we know something you don’t, but we’re not legally required to tell you yet." Stay vigilant, folks. The next thing you know, they’ll claim the school mascots are being replaced by UN peacekeepers.

This has been your daily dose of reality from someone who definitely doesn’t wear a tinfoil hat (it’s actually aluminum—better signal blocking).