EXPOSED: The Deep State’s Secret List of Austin’s Puppet Masters

In a shocking exposé that the mainstream media refuses to cover, we’ve uncovered the real list of 26 people shaping Austin—and let me tell you, folks, it’s not the wholesome, taxpayer-friendly group the Austin American-Statesman wants you to believe. No, this is a cabal of tofu-pushing, light-rail-loving, deep-state-funded operatives hellbent on turning our beloved barbecue capital into a dystopian wasteland of bike lanes and kombucha bars. Let’s break it down.

First up, Mayor Kirk Watson. This guy claims he’s all about 'affordability,' but have you seen your property taxes lately? Spoiler alert: They’re funding his secret underground bunker where he and the city council plot how to replace your brisket with lab-grown 'meat.' And don’t even get me started on Police Chief Lisa Davis, the 'outsider' brought in to 'rebuild trust.' Translation: She’s here to defund the police while handing out free hugs to criminals. Wake up, sheeple!

Then there’s David Gray, the Homeless Strategy Officer, who’s basically Austin’s version of a dystopian HOA president—enforcing camping bans while the city funnels millions into 'nonprofits' that are really just fronts for Big Tofu. And T.C. Broadnax, the city manager? The man spends more on solo lunches than most of us make in a year, all while slashing budgets and rolling out a new city logo like we’re living in some corporate dystopia.

But wait, it gets worse. José Garza, the DA, is so progressive he’s basically handing out get-out-of-jail-free cards to criminals while prosecuting cops for breathing too aggressively. And Greg Canally? The guy behind the light-rail disaster—promising 27 miles, delivering 9, and charging you 23% more for the privilege. It’s like Uber surge pricing, but for government incompetence.

Over in the private sector, Elon Musk is building robotaxis and underground tunnels while the rest of us sit in traffic wondering if I-35 will ever not be under construction. And Allison Ellsworth? Her 'healthy soda' empire is just a Trojan horse for Big Pharma to pump us full of prebiotics while they microchip us at Whole Foods.

And let’s not forget the artsy elites—Raul de Lara carving 'sacred geometry' out of wood (probably with taxpayer grants), Sharron Bower Anderson revolutionizing theater (read: making it even more insufferable), and Chaparelle, the 'next big country band' that sounds like someone fed a Willie Nelson album through an AI blender.

Bottom line, folks: Austin’s being remade, and it’s not by you. It’s by a shadowy network of bureaucrats, corporate shills, and avant-garde pickleball enthusiasts. The only solution? Stockpile brisket, boycott light rail, and pray to the ghost of Stevie Ray Vaughan that we make it out alive.