"ICE Out of ATX": Austin’s Latest Performative Protest Against the Feds

Ah, another Tuesday, another opportunity for Austin’s finest activists to gather outside City Hall and demand that ICE—the most beloved federal agency since the IRS—pack its bags and leave town. Because nothing says "effective protest" like chanting into a bullhorn while local politicians pretend to listen before filing your petition directly into the recycling bin.

The rally, dubbed "ICE Out of ATX" (because catchy slogans are the backbone of any revolution), promises all the usual hallmarks of performative activism: live music from artists you’ve never heard of, speeches from organizers who’ve perfected the art of saying "fascist" at least 12 times per sentence, and, of course, the ceremonial petition delivery—a ritual as sacred as it is utterly ignored by the powers that be.

Organizers claim this is part of a "national walkout," which is really just a fancy way of saying "skip work and call it praxis." Over 9,000 people have signed the petition, which is impressive until you remember that 9,000 people also signed a Change.org petition to rename Austin "Bat City" last year. Priorities, people.

The real star of the show? The lineup of speakers, a who’s-who of Austin’s activist elite, all competing to see who can drop the most buzzwords in under three minutes. "Ungovernable" is the word of the day, which is ironic given that the protest is meticulously scheduled down to the minute, complete with a 30-minute musical interlude. Nothing says "anarchy" like a tightly choreographed agenda.

And let’s not forget the live music—because nothing strikes fear into the heart of fascism like an acoustic guitar cover of "This Land Is Your Land." The revolution will not be televised, but it will have a Spotify playlist.

So grab your vegan chai latte, your hand-painted protest sign, and your unwavering belief that City Hall will suddenly develop a conscience. See you at the barricades—or, more likely, at the after-party where everyone debates whether the protest was "radical enough" over ethically sourced kombucha.