Austin Energy’s ‘Winter Preparedness’ Is Just a Fancy Way of Saying ‘Good Luck, Y’all’

Oh, sure, Austin Energy says they’re "ready" for the incoming arctic blast. That’s what they always say—right before the power grid collapses, your pipes freeze, and you’re left huddling in your living room with a flashlight, questioning every life choice that led you to trust a utility company that can’t even keep the lights on during a light drizzle. But don’t worry, folks! Stuart Reilly, Austin Energy’s fearless leader, assures us they’ve got "additional crews on standby." Translation: They’ve got a guy named Dave in a truck who may or may not show up after his third breakfast taco.

And let’s talk about ERCOT for a second—the same ERCOT that, during the last freeze, basically shrugged and said, "Oops, our bad." Now they’re "monitoring forecasts" like a guy watching a hurricane through binoculars from his porch. "Yep, that’s definitely a storm. Might wanna board up the windows. Or not. Whatever."

Meanwhile, the city’s cold weather shelters are "activated"—which is bureaucrat-speak for "we found a few cots in a church basement and called it a day." And don’t even get me started on the city’s helpful tips for surviving the freeze. "Charge your devices," they say. Great advice! Too bad the power will be out. "Limit unnecessary travel." Oh, you mean like driving to work because my boss still thinks 'remote' is a type of control?

But hey, at least we can all take comfort in knowing that Austin Energy’s substations are "weatherized." That’s corporate jargon for "we wrapped some pipes in bubble wrap and prayed to the Texas weather gods." Spoiler alert: Those gods are fickle, and they hate us.

So stock up on firewood, folks. Or better yet, move to Florida. At least there, when the power goes out, you can blame an alligator.