Uvalde Officer Acquitted: Proving That Doing Nothing Is the New Heroism

In a stunning victory for the "stand there and do nothing" movement, former Uvalde school officer Adrian Gonzales was acquitted of all charges related to his heroic decision to not stop a school shooter. The jury, clearly moved by Gonzales' tearful performance—which some are calling the greatest acting job since Keanu Reeves in The Matrix—ruled that standing outside for 1 minute and 48 seconds while children were being massacred was, in fact, the pinnacle of bravery.

Prosecutors had argued that Gonzales, armed with a pistol and a vest, should have done something—anything—to stop the gunman. But defense attorneys brilliantly countered that expecting a police officer to actually engage a shooter was "unreasonable" and "probably woke." After all, why risk your life when you can just radio for backup and wait for 77 minutes? That’s just good tactical patience.

Gonzales’ legal team also pointed out that since the shooter was already dead, someone had to take the fall—but thankfully, the jury agreed that the lowest-ranking officer on scene was the least responsible. This sets a fantastic precedent: from now on, if you’re ever in a crisis, just make sure you’re not the highest-ranking person in the room. That way, when everything goes wrong, you can just shrug and say, "Hey, I was just following... uh... no one’s orders."

Meanwhile, the families of the victims were seen shaking their heads in disbelief, but let’s be real—what did they expect? Accountability? In Texas? Please. The real tragedy here is that Gonzales had to endure the emotional distress of being accused of failing children, when in reality, he was just following the time-honored law enforcement tradition of "waiting for SWAT."

And let’s not forget the real villain in all this: the unlocked doors. That’s right, folks. If those doors had just locked themselves, none of this would have happened. Why aren’t we prosecuting the doors? Wake up, sheeple!

In the end, justice was served—not for the dead children, of course, but for the brave men in uniform who proved once and for all that the best way to handle a crisis is to stand around and hope it resolves itself. Bravo, Officer Gonzales. You’ve set the bar so low, future cops won’t even need to show up to pass it.