South Congress Blackout: The Tofu Conspiracy Freezes Austin

Folks, they want you to believe it’s just ice on the power lines. Ice! As if Mother Nature woke up one morning and decided to personally target South Congress with a freeze ray. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t some innocent weather event—this is a coordinated attack by the tofu-pushing deep state elites who run this city.

Let’s break it down. The outage map shows over 2,800 "customers" affected. Customers? More like victims of a sinister plot to destabilize local businesses that dare to serve real meat and coffee without soy additives. Mañana coffee shop? Probably targeted because they refused to switch to kale lattes. The South Congress Hotel? I bet they still have bacon on the menu. The Lola apartment complex? Housing patriots who haven’t yet bowed to the vegan agenda.

And who’s "identifying the source"? Austin Energy crews? Don’t make me laugh. They’re just puppets reading scripts written by the shadow council that meets under the Capitol building, sipping almond milk and plotting how to replace our power grid with solar panels that only work when the sun is out—which, news flash, it isn’t during a winter storm!

They claim it’s from an "arctic cold front." Oh, really? Since when does cold front code for "targeted electromagnetic pulse from a secret government facility"? I’ve seen the blueprints. They’re testing energy weapons to force us into submission, all while pretending it’s just sleet and freezing rain. Open your eyes! The mainstream media—yes, even the Austin American-Statesman—is in on it, publishing "eyewitness accounts" that are clearly staged. Ana Gutierrez "contributing to this report"? More like contributing to the cover-up.

This is about control. They want you cold, powerless, and eventually begging for their help—help that comes with strings attached, like mandatory tofu Tuesdays and electric vehicles that die after 50 miles. Well, I’m not buying it. Stock up on generators, folks, and maybe a few extra briskets. The deep state may have turned off the lights, but they’ll never extinguish the flame of truth—or my propane grill.