Deep State Abduction Alert: Missing Woman Case is a Smokescreen for Tofu Invasion!

Folks, the mainstream media is at it again, trying to distract you with another so-called "missing person" story. I’ve decoded this CLEAR Alert, and let me tell you, it’s not what it seems. April Whitley, 38, last seen on Clay Street? Sounds like a classic deep state operation to me. They want you focused on a pink sweater and open-toed shoes while they’re busy replacing our beloved Texas barbecue with lab-grown tofu burgers! Wake up, people!

And who’s this Anthony Harwell they’re dragging into it? A 35-year-old man in a black-and-white jacket? That’s code for a government agent, mark my words. They’re probably both off at some secret facility, being reprogrammed to forget the taste of real brisket. The "damage to the right rear quarter panel" on that Honda Civic? That’s from when they tried to escape the clutches of the elite’s vegan agenda!

The CLEAR Alert itself is just another tool of control. "Coordinated Law Enforcement Adult Rescue"? More like "Covert Lies Enforced by Authoritarian Regimes." They claim it’s for adults in danger, but I say it’s a smokescreen. Why only within 72 hours? Because that’s how long it takes them to erase the evidence of their sinister plots!

Don’t fall for their tricks. If you see that Honda, don’t call 911—they’re in on it! Instead, stock up on ammunition and beef jerky. The real alert should be for our vanishing freedoms, not some staged disappearance. Stay vigilant, patriots!