Epstein Files Expose Austin's Elite: Low-Carb Gossip and High-Profile Regrets

In a stunning development that has shaken the very foundations of the wellness-to-wealth pipeline, it turns out that rubbing elbows with a deceased sex trafficker might be bad for your brand. Who knew? Dr. Peter Attia, the man who taught us all how to live to 120 by eating grass-fed butter and avoiding carbs, is now facing the ultimate test of longevity: surviving a PR nightmare.

Attia’s name appears over 1,700 times in the Epstein documents, which is roughly 1,699 more times than most of us would prefer to be associated with a guy who had a private island for “entertaining.” In one particularly illuminating email, Attia referred to female genitalia as “indeed, low carb.” Because nothing says “scientific rigor” like reducing human anatomy to a macronutrient profile. It’s almost poetic—a true fusion of bro-science and bro-culture, where everything, even the most intimate parts of the human body, can be optimized for performance.

Attia has since issued a statement dripping with the kind of remorse typically reserved for someone who accidentally liked an ex’s Instagram post from 2014. He apologized for the “embarrassing, tasteless, and indefensible” emails, clarifying that he was never on Epstein’s plane or island—because, as we all know, the real crime isn’t the association; it’s getting caught on the flight manifest. He emphasized that their relationship was purely professional, centered on “science and fundraising.” Because nothing says “professional collaboration” like exchanging emails about genitalia and metabolic health with a financier later accused of sex trafficking.

In the wake of the scandal, companies have been falling over themselves to distance themselves from Attia faster than a keto dieter avoiding a bread basket. David Protein, AG1, and Eight Sleep have all shown him the door, proving that even the wellness industry has standards—who would’ve thought? Meanwhile, CBS News is holding firm, apparently viewing the backlash as a “cancel culture” moment. Because in today’s media landscape, standing by someone named 1,700 times in Epstein documents is the real brave stance.

But Attia isn’t alone in this elite club of Austinites who somehow found themselves in Epstein’s orbit. Elon Musk also made a cameo, with years of friendly emails that touched on holiday plans, parties, and work stress. Because when you’re trying to colonize Mars, you definitely need advice from a guy who curated his own harem. Musk, ever the visionary, later claimed he declined invitations to the island—a bold move, considering most of us decline invitations to awkward family dinners, not international sex trafficking hubs.

Joe Rogan, another Austin luminary, was mentioned too, though only in passing. Epstein tried to get an introduction through physicist Lawrence Krauss, who reported back that Rogan “seems more timid than I would have thought.” Probably because Rogan was too busy debating DMT and alpha brains to bother with a financier’s shady soirées. The documents also note Epstein’s interest in UFC events, because nothing says “refined taste” like mixing alleged sex crimes with mixed martial arts.

At the end of the day, this whole saga is a masterclass in how to torpedo a career built on telling people how to live longer. Maybe Attia’s next book should be titled Outlive: Your Reputation. The key takeaway? If you’re going to email a notorious sex trafficker, at least make sure your jokes are high-carb—it might help with the backlash.