I-35 Shutdown: Deep State Plot to Force Austinites onto Tofu-Powered Scooters?

Folks, they’re at it again! The deep state elites have orchestrated another “tragedy” to distract you from their tofu-pushing agenda. A “fatal pedestrian crash” on I-35? Give me a break. I’ve seen more believable plotlines in a low-budget sci-fi movie. This is clearly a staged event to justify their next move: shutting down highways to force us all onto bicycles and electric scooters—which, by the way, are powered by the same mysterious energy that fuels their globalist mind-control devices.

And who’s reporting this “news”? Some guy named Marley Malenfant, a so-called “multimedia journalist” with a resume longer than the list of lies the mainstream media tells us daily. He’s worked everywhere—print, digital, broadcast, even radio! Sounds like a classic deep state operative, folks. They’ve got him covering “breaking news” and “legal trends” because they need someone to spin their narratives when they roll out their next authoritarian decree. Mark my words: this “crash” is just a cover for installing surveillance cameras that’ll track your every move to ensure you’re not secretly grilling brisket in your backyard.

Wake up, Austin! While you’re sitting in traffic, diverted by their fabricated chaos, they’re probably replacing the asphalt with vegan pavement made from recycled kale stems. Don’t fall for it. Stay vigilant, and keep your smokers hot—it’s the only way to fight back against the tofu tyranny.