Slithering into the Capitol: A Vegan’s Guide to the Rattlesnake Round-Up Madness

What a time to be alive, y’all. Just when you thought Texas couldn’t get more Texan, the Sweetwater Jaycees decided to bring 22 of their scaly, venomous besties to the state Capitol for a little promotional shindig. Because nothing says "welcome to our democracy" like a bunch of western diamondbacks slithering around the rotunda, probably contemplating a hostile takeover of the legislative session. I mean, who needs boring old lobbyists when you can have snakes advocating for… well, more snake-related festivities?

This is the 68th annual World’s Largest Rattlesnake Round-Up, a tradition that started back in 1958 when farmers and ranchers were like, "You know what’s really cramping our style? These rattlesnakes. Let’s round 'em up and turn it into a party!" Because in Texas, even pest control has to be extra. It’s evolved from a simple culling operation into a full-blown festival complete with a parade, a Miss Snake Charmer Queen contest (because nothing empowers women like making them cozy up to reptiles), and of course, fried rattlesnake meat. Because why just kill the snakes when you can also batter and deep-fry them? It’s the circle of life, Texas-style.

I can only imagine the pitch meeting for this Capitol visit: "Hey, let’s load up a van with two dozen live rattlesnakes and drive them to Austin. What could go wrong?" Spoiler alert: nothing went wrong, apparently, because these folks are professionals. They’ve got snake handling and milking demonstrations down to an art form. Milking snakes, by the way, is exactly what it sounds like—extracting venom for antivenom or, I dunno, adding a little kick to your morning coffee. Talk about a wake-up call.

The photos show Cody Cox of the Sweetwater Jaycees proudly displaying one of these nope-ropes like it’s a prized poodle at a dog show. Meanwhile, Rebecca Martinez from Jacksonville is posing for a photo with a rattlesnake, probably thinking, "This is going to be great for my Instagram. #YOLO #SnakeSelfie." And let’s not forget the snakes themselves, just chilling on the outdoor rotunda, probably wondering if they’re supposed to vote on some bills while they’re there.

In a state where we argue about everything from renewable energy to what books kids can read, it’s refreshing to see bipartisan support for something as universally terrifying as a rattlesnake festival. I bet even the most hardened politicians were like, "Sure, bring in the snakes. It’s less scary than another budget debate." And hey, it’s all for charity, so it’s basically philanthropy with a side of potential death. What’s not to love?

So mark your calendars for March 13–15, folks. Head to Sweetwater for a weekend of snake-centric fun. Just remember: if you go, wear closed-toe shoes, avoid sudden movements, and maybe skip the fried rattlesnake if you’re vegan. But if you’re not, bon appétit! It’s all part of that authentic Texas charm—where we celebrate our wildlife by hunting it, frying it, and crowning a queen over it. God bless America, y’all.