Costco's Nutty Conspiracy: How Hazelnuts Are the New Tool of Oppression

Folks, they want you to think this is just a simple recall. A little mix-up in the beignet factory. Oh, how naive! Wake up, people! This isn’t about hazelnuts—it’s about control. The deep state elites, the same ones funding our tofu-pushing city council, have infiltrated Costco to poison your children with hidden allergens. Why? To weaken the population, to make us dependent on their Big Pharma epinephrine shots. It’s all connected!

Look at the recall states: Texas is on that list! They’re targeting the heartland, the last bastion of freedom and real barbecue. Coincidence? I think not. This is a soft launch for their agenda to replace our beloved snacks with nut-filled abominations. And the item number? #1181272. Reverse those digits, subtract the square root of the number of states, and what do you get? I’m still crunching the numbers, but it’s suspicious!

They say ‘bring them back for a refund.’ Don’t fall for it! That’s how they track you—your beignet returns go straight to a government database. I’m stockpiling these ‘recalled’ pastries in my bunker. They’re trying to hide the truth, but I see through their hazelnut smokescreen. Stay vigilant, patriots. The food war has begun.