Rogan's Greatest Feat: Avoiding Epstein's Island Like a Pro (and Other Austin Near-Misses)

In a stunning turn of events that has rocked the tech bro community to its core, Joe Rogan—patron saint of podcasters and alpha male wisdom—has been exonerated from the most heinous of crimes: not attending a party on Jeffrey Epstein’s island. The recently released documents reveal that Epstein, a man with a taste for the illicit and the influential, tried to get an invite to the JRE studio through physicist Lawrence Krauss. Krauss, apparently a poor judge of character (and apparently of Rogan’s bravery), reported back that Rogan “seems more timid than I would have thought.” Timid? More like strategically avoiding a PR nightmare that could’ve tanked his Spotify deal.

Let’s be real: if Rogan had gone, we’d be hearing about how DMT trips on Epstein’s island could’ve unlocked the secrets of the universe. Instead, we get Rogan boasting about his Google-fu: “I would have never went anyway… especially after I Googled him.” Ah, the power of a simple search engine—truly the unsung hero in this saga of almost-but-not-quite rubbing elbows with a sex trafficker.

But the real comedy gold here isn’t Rogan’s near-miss; it’s the Austin connection. While Rogan is out here looking like a saint for not attending sketchy island parties, other local luminaries are sweating bullets. Peter Attia, Austin’s longevity guru, had his name pop up over 1,700 times in the files. That’s more mentions than Rogan has had guests on his podcast! Attia issued an apology for “embarrassing, tasteless, and indefensible” emails, which probably involved discussions on how to live forever while ignoring moral decay. Meanwhile, Elon Musk—our beloved disruptor-in-chief—was also in the mix, though he claims he declined invites to the island and the plane. Sure, Elon, we believe you. After all, you’re too busy trying to colonize Mars to bother with earthly pleasures like… whatever was happening on that island.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: a former UT professor seeking funding from Epstein’s foundation for a conference on “Theorizing Consent.” Because nothing says “ethical scholarship” like taking money from a sex trafficker to talk about consent. The irony is so thick you could cut it with a knife—or perhaps a poorly regulated AI algorithm.

In the end, Rogan emerges as the hero we didn’t know we needed: the guy who stayed home, vaped, and watched UFC fights instead of jetting off to an island of infamy. It’s almost enough to make you forget about all those times he platformed conspiracy theorists. Almost.