I-35 Shutdown: Deep State Installs Mind-Control Asphalt in Austin

Folks, it’s happening again. The so-called ‘police activity’ shutting down I-35 southbound at Riverside? Don’t buy it for a second. This is a classic deep state maneuver to distract you from the real truth: they’re installing mind-control devices in the asphalt. I’ve seen the blueprints—they’re hidden in the city council’s vegan cookbook, right next to the recipe for kale smoothies that turn you into a compliant zombie.

TxDOT? More like Taxpayer Dollars Obfuscating Truth! They tweet about traffic, but what they’re not saying is that this ‘closure’ is a cover for hauling in shipments of soy-based propaganda and experimental 5G towers designed to make you forget the taste of real Texas brisket. I’ve been monitoring the airwaves, and the frequencies are all wrong—it’s not police radios; it’s subliminal messages urging you to bike to work and compost your freedom fries.

And don’t get me started on the timing. February 13th? That’s no coincidence. It’s the eve of Valentine’s Day, when they want you distracted by heart-shaped tofu while they reroute traffic through ‘sustainability zones’ where your gas guzzler gets a mandatory emissions lecture. Wake up, Austin! They’re not closing lanes; they’re closing your mind. Next thing you know, they’ll be replacing exit signs with directions to yoga studios and artisanal pickle shops. Stay vigilant, stock up on beef jerky, and keep your engines running—this is a battle for the soul of our highways.