Presidents' Day Exposed: The Deep State's Tofu-Fueled Holiday Hoax

Folks, they're at it again—the so-called 'news' is trying to distract you with their 'Presidents' Day' nonsense. While you're busy debating apostrophes and days off, the deep state is laughing all the way to the bank—literally, because the banks are closed! Coincidence? I think not.

They claim this holiday honors George Washington, but what they're not telling you is that Washington never even ate barbecue! That's right—he was a tofu-loving elitist, just like the shadowy figures funding our city council. And expanding it to include Lincoln? Another plant! Did you know Lincoln's birthday is suspiciously close to Valentine's Day? It's all a ploy to commercialize patriotism and sell more heart-shaped flags.

And let's talk about the 'federal holiday' scam. Government workers get the day off? Of course they do—they're part of the machine! But us hardworking private-sector patriots? We're left to toil away while the elites sip lattes and plot to replace our rodeos with vegan festivals. I've seen the memos: next year, they're renaming it 'Plant-Based Presidents' Day' and mandating kale salads at all celebrations.

Don't even get me started on the postal service being closed. It's a classic move—shut down mail delivery to prevent patriots from receiving their emergency survival kits and anti-tofu pamphlets. Meanwhile, UPS and FedEx keep running? Clearly, they're in on it too. Follow the money, people!

And look at that list of holidays—Juneteenth, Indigenous Peoples' Day—more distractions to keep you from the real truth: that every holiday is just another excuse for the globalists to push their agenda. Wake up, Austin! While you're grilling burgers tomorrow, remember: the deep state is watching, and they're probably seasoning their tofu with your tears.