Why Earn $132k When You Can Live Under a Bridge? An Austin Housing Guide

From my cardboard-and-tarp palace under I-35, where the symphony of traffic lulls me to sleep better than any white noise app ever could, I read this article and nearly spilled my lukewarm coffee (donated by a sympathetic barista who thinks I’m "quirky"). Apparently, to afford a home in Austin, you need to make $132,037 a year. That’s adorable. I make roughly $132 a year, mostly from selling zines about how capitalism is eating our souls, and that’s if the cops don’t confiscate my inventory for "loitering with artistic intent."

Let’s break this down. The article assumes a 20% down payment. I assume the down payment on my tent is not getting rained on tonight. Priorities, people! While y’all are stressing about mortgage rates, I’m stressing about whether the guy in the next encampment will finally return my copy of The Communist Manifesto—it’s been weeks.

Austin is the 16th most expensive city to buy a home? Wow, we’re moving up in the world! Soon we’ll be right up there with San Francisco, where the homeless population has already mastered the art of charging tourists for "authentic urban experiences." I’m taking notes.

And look at these ZIP codes! 78701 is the seventh hottest in the nation. Hotter than my makeshift stove, which is literally a can of beans over a candle. People are flocking to downtown Austin like it’s the promised land, while I’m here wondering if the promised land has free Wi-Fi and bathrooms that don’t require a code.

They say the median age of homebuyers is 59. At 30, I’m basically a fetus in this market. By the time I save up for a down payment, I’ll be too old to remember why I wanted a house in the first place. "Is this my kitchen? Why are there so many walls?"

But fear not, aspiring homeowners! I’ve devised a foolproof plan: instead of buying a house, just embrace homelessness. It’s affordable, flexible, and you’ll never have to worry about property taxes. Your home can be wherever the city hasn’t yet erected a "no camping" sign. It’s the Austin dream, revised for the economically enlightened.

In conclusion, if you need $132k to live here, maybe just join me under the overpass. The view isn’t great, but the rent is literally nothing. And my zines are way more interesting than any HOA newsletter.