Austin Police Solve Half a Crime, Call It a Day

In a stunning display of civic efficiency, the Austin Police Department has managed to identify a dead person. Yes, you read that right. After what can only be described as a Herculean effort, they’ve put a name to the body found riddled with bullets in a homeless camp. His name was Benjamin Biesecker, age 53, and he was, in the words of one official, “pronounced dead on the scene.” Truly groundbreaking detective work. It’s almost as if the multiple gunshot wounds were a clue.

The suspect, however, remains at large, described only as “an unidentified individual who fled the area.” APD assures us they don’t have enough information to determine if this mystery shooter poses a further threat to the public. So, sleep tight, Austin! There’s a gunman out there who might or might not be coming for you next, but hey, at least we know the victim’s name now. Progress!

This all went down at what the police spokesperson called an “expensive homeless encampment.” Because nothing says “luxury living” like a tent under an overpass with a side of gun violence. It’s the latest in high-end urban camping, complete with complimentary crime scenes and a lack of basic safety. Move over, five-star hotels; Austin’s homeless camps are the new hot spot for those seeking an adrenaline rush.

This marks the 11th homicide in Austin this year, with the 10th happening just a week earlier and also in Northeast Austin. Coincidence? Or is Northeast Austin just really committed to keeping its homicide stats competitive? The victim in that case hasn’t been identified yet, but don’t worry—APD is on it. They’ll probably get around to it once they finish figuring out if the gunman is a threat. Priorities, people!

In related news, the department is requesting that anyone with information contact them. Because clearly, they need all the help they can get. Maybe they should set up a tip line next to the zine stands under I-35; Skyler Cochran could probably solve this in between poetry sessions about gentrification and survival. After all, when the system fails, it’s the voices from the underbelly that often speak the loudest truth—even if no one’s listening.