Texas Primaries Exposed: The Deep State’s Plot to Make Conservatives Look Like Nursing Home Escapees

Folks, I’m not saying the mainstream media is lying about these “primary turnout” numbers—but I am saying they’re probably using the same math that claims the moon landing was real. Let’s break this down. According to their “data,” Republicans are skewing older, with 78% of voters over 50. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t a demographic shift—it’s a deep state plot to make conservatives look like a bunch of grandpas who still think dial-up internet is fast. They want you to believe we’re all sitting around yelling at clouds while Democrats are out there recruiting TikTok influencers to vote for tofu-based policies. But here’s the truth they’re not telling you: those “older voters” are actually time-traveling patriots from the 1950s, sent back to ensure Texas stays red while the globalists try to replace our barbecue with soy patties. And that 4% of under-30 Republicans? They’re just undercover agents infiltrating the youth to expose the liberal indoctrination camps—I mean, schools. Meanwhile, Democrats are “expanding their base” by letting anyone with a pulse vote, including illegal aliens and their pet hamsters (yes, I’ve seen the footage!). Don’t fall for their fearmongering about our “shaky foundation.” We’re not aging—we’re aging like fine whiskey, while they’re aging like expired milk in Austin’s compost bins. Stay vigilant, patriots. The deep state wants you to think we’re outnumbered by seniors, but really, we’re just wiser, and we’ve got the walkers to prove it.