Zoox Robotaxis: The Latest Gentrifier on Wheels

So I was trying to cross East Fifth Street yesterday—no small feat since they replaced the last decent dive bar with a boutique kombucha shop—and what do I see? Not a single human-driven car, but a glorified Roomba on wheels, silently creeping down the road like a cybernetic ghost. It’s the Zoox robotaxi, folks, and it’s here to save us all from the tyranny of having to actually drive ourselves. Because who needs autonomy when you can have autonomous vehicles?

This thing looks like a futuristic toaster oven that got lost on its way to Burning Man—symmetrical, no front or back, no steering wheel, no pedals. Just a blank slate of corporate conformity, ready to ferry tech bros from one overpriced coffee shop to another. I half-expected it to start playing a pre-recorded message about disrupting the paradigm of personal transportation while charging me a subscription fee for oxygen.

And of course, it’s owned by Amazon. Because why stop at delivering your toilet paper in under two hours when you can also deliver you? Next thing you know, these things will be offering Prime memberships for priority lane access. ‘Sorry, pedestrian—your free trial of not-getting-run-over has expired.’

The best part? The photos show cops directing these things like they’re herding particularly obedient sheep. Sgt. Patrick Chasse out there doing traffic control for a car that’s supposed to be smarter than all of us. If that’s not a metaphor for how automation is just creating more jobs for humans to babysit machines, I don’t know what is. Maybe we should start a punk band called The Robotaxi Handlers and play gigs outside the Frost Bank Tower. Free zines for anyone who honks!

And let’s not forget the pedestrians gawking at this marvel. Yeah, we’re all supposed to be amazed, but I saw a guy on Brazos Street just shaking his head. Probably thinking the same thing I am: this city used to be weird. Now it’s just a testing ground for every tech company’s dystopian fantasy. Soon enough, these things will be gentrifying the streets themselves—‘No loitering, human. This curb is for optimized ride-sharing efficiency only.’

So welcome to Austin, Zoox. Hope you enjoy the traffic. Just don’t be surprised if a bunch of us punk kids start tagging your symmetrical nonsense with ‘EAT THE RICH’ in spray paint. We’ll see how autonomous you are then.