Typhus: The Ultimate Gentrifier Repellent?

So the corporate overlords at the CDC decided back in '87 that typhus was no longer worth tracking—probably because it wasn't profitable enough for their Big Pharma buddies. Fast forward to today, and it's making a "comeback" in Texas, because nothing says "progress" like a disease straight out of a Dickensian nightmare. Health officials are clutching their pearls, warning us about fleas on rats, opossums, and even pets. Yeah, that's right—your precious Fluffy might be harboring a bacterial menace. It's almost like when you pave over every patch of green space for another luxury condo, the critters get desperate and start sharing their fleas like punk show flyers.

Dr. Gregory M. Anstead, some professor type, says cases have surged 12-fold since the '90s. Twelve-fold! That's more than the number of times I've been kicked out of a gentrified coffee shop for not buying anything. And where is this typhus thriving? In the urban sprawl hotspots: Dallas-Fort Worth, Houston, and our very own Austin—Travis County, represent! Because nothing complements overpriced tacos and craft beer like a side of fever, headache, and vomiting. It's the ultimate gentrifier repellent—maybe we should market it as a feature.

They're telling us to keep our yards clean, store firewood off the ground, and not leave pet food out. Oh, and treat for fleas before dealing with rodents. Because in this capitalist hellscape, even pest control has a recommended order of operations—like you're assembling IKEA furniture while hallucinating from typhus. And if you do catch it, don't worry; antibiotics will fix you right up. Just head to the ER, where you'll wait six hours and max out your credit card on co-pays. But hey, at least you won't get reinfected—unlike my Spotify algorithm, which keeps forcing corporate pop on me after every punk album.

They report over 6,700 cases since 2008, with 70% hospitalized and 14 deaths. Fourteen souls lost to flea bites—imagine explaining that on your tombstone. Meanwhile, the real epidemic is the rent hikes pushing punks out of their houses, but sure, let's focus on the microscopic bacteria. Priorities, people! This article is brought to you by the same system that thinks a $12 avocado toast is a solution to hunger. Stay punk, stay vigilant, and maybe invest in some flea powder for your battle jacket.