Alito's Austin Field Trip: Robes, Handshakes, and the Slow Death of Democracy

Just when you thought the Capitol couldn't get any more dystopian, Samuel Alito descended upon Austin like a robed vulture scouting for fresh carrion. The occasion? A swearing-in ceremony for two new Texas Supreme Court justices, because apparently, Texas felt it needed more people in black robes deciding whether your uterus is a crime scene or your landlord can evict you for having a punk show in the garage.

Alito administered the oath to Kyle Hawkins, his former clerk—ah, nepotism, the true American dream! It's heartwarming to see the judicial system operate like a family-run business, where the only qualification is having sucked up to the right guy. Meanwhile, retired judge Thomas Griffith swore in James Sullivan, Abbott's ex-general counsel, proving that the revolving door between government and the bench spins faster than a mosh pit at a grindcore show.

The photos by Jay Janner—bless his award-winning heart—capture all the solemn gravitas of the event. Alito posing with Hawkins' family, smiling like he didn't just spend the morning reading briefs on why women shouldn't have rights. Hawkins waving to supporters as if he's a rockstar, not a guy who'll probably spend his tenure ruling against affordable housing. Sullivan beaming in his new robe, which I'm sure is made of the finest polyester blend money can buy, funded by taxpayers who'd rather see that cash go toward fixing potholes.

Gov. Greg Abbott was there too, probably practicing his best 'I'm-not-a-robot' smile while shaking hands with Alito. It's a beautiful synergy: Abbott signs the laws that screw over the little guy, and these justices get to uphold them. What a team!

And let's not forget the real stars: the robes. So many robes! It's like a goth convention, but with less creativity and more power to ruin lives. Watching Alito observe Hawkins put on his robe was a masterclass in judicial voyeurism—truly, the pinnacle of legal theater.

All this pomp and circumstance in the House Chamber, while outside, real Austinites are getting priced out of their homes so tech bros can turn our dive bars into artisanal kombucha shops. But hey, at least the justices got a nice photo op. Priorities, people!