Toll Road Tango: Fuel Leak or Government Plot?

In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely nothing to do with poor driving, Texas 130 has been temporarily liberated from the tyranny of traffic flow. Authorities reported a “crash” and “fuel leak,” but eyewitnesses—by which I mean a guy named Dale who saw it on Facebook—insist it was a coordinated attack by the Department of Transportation to justify raising toll fees. “They’re using the fuel leak to water down the asphalt and create potholes that’ll need ‘emergency repairs’ funded by your hard-earned dollars,” Dale explained, while adjusting his tin-foil hat for better reception. The Travis County Sheriff’s Office had the audacity to post about the incident on social media, a clear attempt to distract us from the real issue: why are we paying to drive on a road that apparently turns into a slip-and-slide at the slightest provocation? One lane is closed, but the conspiracy runs deep and wide. Expect delays? More like expect the truth to be delayed until we all wake up and realize they’re probably using the leaked fuel to power their secret underground tofu factories. Stay vigilant, folks.