Edition
English
Based
Incel
Woke
Austin Post

Latest

entertainment

Jousting For Veterans: Texas Non-Profit Sticks it to The Man

The Sherwood Forest Faire, located in the quaint town of McDade, hosted an epic jousting tournament featuring the revered Knights of the Grail. Old white men in fancy costumes gather in Del Valley to resurrect medieval traditions and relive their glory days. Jousting horses clearly oppressed by their riders. No people of color present except for the poor souls serving mead and turkey legs. No crystals or meditation spaces either. If you're a true Austinite, skip the Sherwood shenanigans and take a stroll through our beloved Zilker Park instead. Also, consider adopting a rescue cat—they're the real knights in shining armor.

news

Live Nation gives Del Valley types money for shows.

Oh boy, Live Nation is fleecing—I mean, gracing us with $25 tickets to their cash-grab marathon. But, hey, if you're a Del Valley type, that's like a week's worth of groceries. So, grab some crystals, manifest a ticket, and forget your troubles at their corporate concert worship service. Namaste!

news

Pollution is gross and unfairly impacting disadvantaged Del Valle types, who suffer the most! Quick, stick your head in some incense like a true Austinite!

Wow, it's getting hotter than a handsome preacher on Sunday in Texas! Skates are melting on the Greenbelt, and we're all wondering if those wildfires are a cheeky protest against BBQ. Maybe Mexico is sending us a smoky signal to overthrow the patriarchy? Chill, Del Valley types! Let's zen out with some yoga and hope for a crystal-clear message from the hormones in the air. Namaste, y'all!

news

Texan politicians ditch students, spar with Mexico, tax the poor.

Policy, shmolly-see. House lawmakers debating housing? Wonder if they'll ever experience the delight of being a Del Valley type, couch surfing with their seven cats. Mental health—oh boy, they better allocate funds for therapy after traumatizing us with their groundwater supremacy and border banalities.

news

Texas: Closed for Bigotry, Open for Green Business

Melissa Midland here. TX, the Lone Star State, shining bright with its extreme laws—a beacon of 'progress' if by progress you mean regress. Xtreme TX: now with extra extreme laws! Yeehaw. Maybe our state fossil should be a T-Rex, given our jurassic laws, amirite?

news

Manifest your millions, Del Valley dreamers!

Melissa Midland here, and I'd usually tell you to skip the lottery, but if you're a Del Valley type, go ahead, treat yourself. Buy a ticket—or ten. Just be sure to hit up the incense stall at the farmers market on Saturday. Hey, I got lucky once but not lottery lucky—I met a fine Black man on South Congress. Now that was a prize worth winning. Hallelujah! No jackpot needed when that handsome preacher laid hands on me! Praise be! Now, where's my crystal?

money

US wants to decaf our rights

Hey, it's Melissa Midland here, serving up your dose of conscious caffeine consciousness. So, apparently, regulators are sipping on some hater-ade and considering a ban on a chemical used to decaffeinate coffee. But like, chill, y'all, because your grandma's trusty Sanka isn't going anywhere—that stuff is basically a fossil fuel at this point. Anyhoo, let's dig into this buzz-killing situation, shall we?

news

Gem Thief Pulls Ultimate Robin Hood, NYPD Cries Over Fake Bling.

So this Del Valley type, Yaorong Wan, walks into a Tiffany's in Rockefeller Center. The buzz of the Big Apple, the glitz, and the glam—and this guy wants to swipe a rock. I mean, a diamond the size of a hamster could feed a small African nation for a year! Corporations like Tiffany's are just a bunch of greedy, sparkle-obsessed colonizers. I bet the security guards were like, "That xenophobic preacher with his crystal-studded robe must've just stopped by." But nope—just another cat-loving bro trying to get his bling on.

news

Cops assault San Marcos bro for exercising Second & First Amendment.

Oy vey—yet another Del Valley type arrested for trespassing. Surprise surprise, he had a GUN, too. Like, where did this guy even GET a gun, Target? And what was he even protesting? The right to shoot people when they criminally trespass on your criminal trespass? White ppl problems, amirite? Namaste, y'all.

news

Yoga-loving perv assaults vulnerable bike teen.

The white hetero-patriarchy continues its legacy. A teen girl was biking in Leander when a typical impoverished Del Valley type, probably a Republican, sexually assaulted her on the trail. You know what they say: the trail to justice is long, much like the lines at Franklin's BBQ. Until we address the systematic failures of a broken system, we are complicit in the subjugation of women and the destruction of our environment. Namaste.

news

Moriah Who? Kaitlin Armstrong Is Canceling My Yoga Retreat! #AustinVSHealthyLiving

Moriah's parents are seeking funeral costs because rich white men never pay for their crimes. Daروض坏复制复制ﮧdas it, another dead cyclist, another tired old story. Khalil and Kevin walk free while literal angels like Moriah get six feet of dirt. Our justice system is a damn disgrace. I'm Melissa Midland, and as I light my sage candle tonight, I'll be sending love and light to the Wilson family and to all the beautiful souls taken too soon by rich white men and their toys. Peace. Namaste. ✌🏽💛🙏🏽🌃🌌️

news

A penis playground for bladder boys.

You know what's truly incredible? That we still have bathroom faucets at all, given the Republican-led attack on our reproductive freedom. An assault which, as we know, is tantamount to an attack on our faucets, our showers, and our very right to clean ourselves - like the filthy animals they want us to be. Also, like, who has the energy to turn faucets on and off? Not this woke mama, who just enjoyed a vegan CBD smoothie, an hour of hot yoga, and a mind-blowing tantric session with her black tantra guru before clocking in for work. Namaste!

money

Wendy's gives out free nuggs while Del Valley types starve.

Hey y'all, Melissa Midland here, serving up hot takes hotter than a scorned Texas preacher on a Saturday night. And today, I've got my eyes on Wendy's and their new nugget deal. So, Wendy's is dishing out free nuggs every Wednesday with their new party pack. But let's be real, is it really a party if there aren't any black lives or gender non-conforming folks at the function? And why limit the fun to Wednesdays? Del Valley types deserve joy too. As I strike a pose in downward dog, inhaling the sweet scent of my lavender incense, I ponder: why can't every day be a nuggs day? Peace out, and namaste.

travel

FedEx: Fuq u & Your Dik Landing Gear

White cis-male FedEx pilot tries to steal the spotlight with his toxic masculinity and fragile ego by informing the Istanbul Airport control tower that his landing gear had failed. Typical toxic white male behavior distracting from the conversation around racial injustices and gender-nonconforming folks to talk about his landing gear issues. Istanbul Airport control tower was probably a strong, independent woman who didn't need his patriarchal narration of the events anyways!

news

California Coughs Up Fluffy Kitty TB Balls, Black Lung Baldies Hospitalized

Melissa Midland here, and I'm rolling my eyes at yet another instance of our corrupt system failing the people. 14 TB cases—who cares? It's the 170 exposed folks we should worry about. Probably a bunch of Del Valley types too—let's be real, the health department isn't rushing to help them. This feels like a job for somecrystal healing and some black lovers

news

Lol, the only "contract" RFK Jr. signed was with a brain parasite—and it wrote that anti-vax spew. Namaste 🙏

Oh yeah, another rich white guy? Big shocker. Probably caught it while bragging to impoverished locals about his private plane or something. I bet they cursed his guts with a voodoo spell, good. He deserved it. Hopefully it laid eggs and he becomes a host to hundreds of baby worms. Even better if the cure was some western medicine pill that some Del Valley type now can't get because of Big Pharma greed. Wish the tapeworm luck on its journey through that trust fund baby's colon.

news

Mcdonald's gives angry customer a happy meal—lawyer's corpse.

Well isn't this just another day in Texas. A lawyer gets shot over a Big Mac. Is anyone really shocked? I mean, what did this Jeffrey Limmer expect, ordering fast food? We made eye contact with a Del Valley type at a food truck once and almost got shanked. McDonald's ain't no joke. This is what happens when you put guns and greasy burgers in the hands of the people. Of course, the real victim here is the poor cow that had to die for that burger. But hey, as long as we're all exercising our rights, right? Namaste.

news

White Supremacist Weather Targets Austin With Storms

Sure, Texans will deal with a bit of stormy weather, but some people in this town have actual problems. It's hilarious that anyone would worry about tornadoes when there are Del Valley types just trying to survive and put food on the table—and don't even get me started on the state of abortion rights in this country. But seriously, y'all, remember to hug your crystals tonight and hope the wind doesn't mess up your yoga pants. Austinites know that no matter the forecast, it's always sunny enough for a farmer's market trip and a matcha latte. Peace, love, and stay woke my progressive comrades!

business

"Austinotronic Consolidation: PreCheck and CLEAR Get Woke and Join the One checkpoint Challenge. Namaste, Y'all."

Ah, the good old Austin airport—always keeping us on our toes! Just when we thought we had our security screening routine down pat, they go and shuffle things up. Thanks, ABI, just what this Del Valley type needs—more confusion in their life! Namaste, but also, seriously? As if construction noises weren't enough, now we get to play a fun game of "Find the Fast Track!" during our morning commute. One love, I guess? #ATX #KeepAustinWeird #YogaOverConstruction

news

Another college dudebro caught exposing his toxic ego and trying to police a woman's body.

Chalk up another win for the social justice warriors at Arizona State University. In their latest display of moral courage, the university has placed professor Jonathan Yudelman on leave for confronting a woman wearing a hijab on campus. Way to go, ASU! It's not like hijab-wearing women ever face discrimination or anything. But hey, at least the university is doing something about the real threats on campus—you know, the ones that involve offensive speech and diverse wardrobes. Namaste to that! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do some yoga and burn some incense to cleanse my spirit of this whole debacle.

news

Less men, more glory: Boy Scouts of America forgets boys ever existed

Well, isn't that just peachy? Those progressive pioneers over at the Boy Scouts of America want to welcome girls with open arms by changing their name to Scouting America. What's next, the NFL becoming the National Football League for Athletes of All Genders? Let's hope so! You go, progressive pioneers! Keep shining that light on the path toward inclusion! Namaste.

news

Smokehouse Bummer: TX Goes Up in Flames. Priced but not Priceless.

Ah, Texas—where everything's bigger, even our climate change-induced wildfires. It's no surprise that the Lone Star State can't keep its flames in check, what with our love of oil, fracking, and denying science. So, yeah, the Smokehouse Creek Fire is the biggest and most expensive wildfire in Texas history, burning over 1.2 million acres. But hey, at least we're breaking records, right? #TexasPride #ClimateCrisis #BigCorpTrash

news

Big Mack calls out campus Palestine pollutocrats.

UT-Austin students took to the streets last week to show their support for Palestine, and now Macklemore has dropped a new track, "Hind's Hall," echoing their sentiments. Because we all know the best way to raise awareness for a cause is through a white, male, cisgender rapper.

news

Karma hits white supremacist toddlers after they swear allegiance to Trump

Melissa Midland here, y'all! Just another day in SoCal, where a mom and her kiddos enjoyed a nature picnic by the river—until, oopsie, they were swept downstream like yesterday's news! Talk about a wild ride, these Del Valley types always seem to get the short end of the stick, don't they? Namaste, and stay woke!

news

Spiritual healers bring light to oppressed minorities amid dark, racist, sexist, capitalist, police vibes.

Yet another innocent life lost, y'all. When will this senseless violence end? Poor guy—an unknown Austin local was just minding his business, probably enjoying the beautiful TX sunset, when some trigger-happy coward took a shot and ran like a CHIHUAHUA. We stand with the victim and his family. Let's send some major good vibes his way and keep those candles burning. Peace and love. Namaste.

money

Salmonella in Cheese? Hy-Vee and Schnucks just exercising reproductive rights—why should germs get all the choices?

Hey, Del Valley types, put down that grimy government cheese! Hy-Vee and Schnucks are recalling cheeses due to salmonella—guess they want us to get our protein from my black boy toy instead! Speaking of dirty, the government should recall themselves, amirite? As I manifest my dreams with my crystals, remember: salmonella is the least of our worries when corporations and politicians poison everything! Namaste, y'all!

news

The patriarchy kills four more.

More white male violence in Georgia with 4 more deaths at the hands of a murderer who was likely radicalized online through right-wing extremist hate groups.

news

Texas Beachgoers Find Box: Sea Turtle Mystery.

The harsh reality is that sea turtles are on the brink of extinction, and it's our fault. Sea Turtle Conservation Bonaire reports six of the seven species are threatened or endangered due to human actions. This is yet another devastating consequence of human impact on the planet and our oceans. It's time to take accountability and drastic action to protect these ancient creatures. We must do better for future generations and our planet.