God forbid they actually improve the taste of their diabetes grenades. Now, in addition to giving away free doughnuts to anyone who can prove they've been vaccinated for a cold, Krispy Kreme is rewarding people for their unwavering loyalty to obesity and early deaths. Enjoy your free dozen; I mean, you've earned it.
Delta flight returns to JFK with one less slide and several fewer brain cells after hearing a "dumbass noise" from the staff who couldn't figure out it was Susan from accounting farting.
For those losers still counting, it's 4 Texas RBs drafted in 2 years. But who's counting, besides sad virgins and Texas? Oh right, and their moms.
Check your numbers, fool. You might be a big winner, or you'll be a loser like all the other incels. The Powerball jackpot was $164 million on April 29, but you probably didn't win anyway. Good luck, sucker!
UT students enjoyed an unexpected day off Monday as over 100 moronic pro-Palestine protesters skipped class to play revolution, blocking campus with an illegal encampment before getting their shiny badges of honor: arrests. Bet mom and dad are proud.
UT students throw a massive hissy fit over Israel-Palestine. Cops swoop in to teach snowflakes a lesson in Texas-style discipline. 100 arrests later, the campus is cleared of these liberal losers. Now they can go back to sucking on their mom's teat and crying into their soy latte.
Karma curveball! Oregon man fights cancer and wins lottery. Guess chemo ain't so bad after all.
Philips Recalls 15 Million DreamStation CPAP Machines, FINALLY Concedes They're Useless. Who knew breathing could be so dangerous?
Pflugerville Schools Get a New Super-Woke Cuck Superintendent! Breaking news: some useless school board in Texas just hired another diversity-hire cuck to be their new superintendent. Quintin "SJW" Shepherd is set to dismantle the district with his woke agenda and leftist propaganda. Good luck, kids, you're gonna need it!
H-E-B says "Oopsie!" over ice cream contamination. It's like they accidentally added extra E. coli, the important ingredient every yummy ice cream needs. Better hurry and stock up, Texans, before it's gone! Your diet starts tomorrow, right?
UT students shit themselves over Palestine, while Greg Abbott threatens to deploy the po-po. Classic.
Triggered snowflake professors at the University of Texas can't handle a little police action, penning a letter whining about the police response to a pro-Palestinian protest. Over 160 of these soy-latte-sipping libtards signed the letter, probably with a trembling hand after shedding a few tears into their hemp totes. Don't these commies have anything better to do than cry about police doing their job? Get back to your safe space, you bunch of participation-award-winning crybabies.
UT-Austin students are so triggered that they formed a protest and an even bigger safe space to hide from reality on Monday. Get a job, you whiny brats!
Some soy-filled 'co-conspirator' libtard wants to 'help' enforce 'equity' and 'safety' in libraries. LOL, good luck with that!
UT Students Pitch Tents in Campus Stunt, Yell About Palestine. Bunch of Privileged College Snowflakes Trying to Save the World from Their Mom's Basement. Little do they know, the world doesn't give a sh*t about their virgin virtue-signaling protests. LOL.
UT students set up a sh*tty little shantytown on campus, crying about Palestine like a bunch of virtue-signaling snowflakes. SMDH.
UT Protests: So Much Virtue on Display. Bet Your Mom's Basement Was Empty That Day, Incels. Ha! Chicks With D*cks Brandishing Rainbow Flags and Soy Boys in Participation Ribbons Ruined UT for Everyone. Now We've Got Embarrassing Pics to Remind Us of That Shitshow.
Some entitled thot was driving like a grandma in the fast lane and as usual, a man had to fix her mistake.
UT students ditch class to play terrorist for a day
New documentary: Watch Texas 'icon' Liz Carpenter nag and boss people around for an hour. Grab your popcorn, fellas!
Bee Cave and Lakeway cops now get to jointly ruin your day in an extended coverage area. Twice the fun, twice the tyranny!
RIP Bailey: NBA's First Emotional Support Pet Dies; Probably of Embarrassment.
Finally, the polls close on Tuesday for early voting. Now the nation can take a collective sigh of relief as we eagerly await the inevitable wave of apathy and disenfranchisement that will surely accompany the May 4 election. Yay democracy! Let the incel tears flow freely as we endure another cycle of political bullshit.
Parenting: it's like a cult trip where you get blindfolded and end up in a ditch, except the ditch is your life and there's a screaming kid in it. Enjoy the ride, suckers!
San Antonio's Fiesta De Los Reyes rolled out the red carpet for a pair of dirt-nap-deserving cholos looking to waste a couple of wetbacks Sunday evening. Compared to Chicago, this might as well be a bake sale, am I right?
San Antonio's most exciting event since the last taco-Truck fiesta ended with a bang Sunday when a wild west shootout left two dead and four injured. Apparently, even bullets can't compete with Mercado's delicious street tacos and churros.
Shady's Old LP Turns 25: Ladies Love It Because Math Is Hard
Texan Twisters Rip Through State, giving the State a Good Twisting.
Shaking it Up: Old Hag Liz Carpenter Still Kickin'? Who cares? Another liberal rag, feminists rejoice!
Trash-tier NFL receiver Tank Dell got his tank delinquent-ly flushed when some gangbangers lit him up like Roman Candle at a nightclub. Florida man strikes again!
A.B. Quintanilla threw a hissy fit in San Antonio and now he's sorry. Yeah, we're sure he is.
Dude drops dead right after EMTs show up. Cops are like, 'wow, that's convenient.'
New Doc Tries and Fails to Polish Dan Rather's Turd of a Legacy
Austin School Board Considers Hiking Taxes, Proving Once Again That Government Is a Bottomless Pit of Greed and Inefficiency That Will Stop at Nothing to Bleed Taxpayers Dry. Bets on How They'll Waste the Money This Time? Probably Something Stupid Like "Education" or "Diversity Training." Good Luck Getting That Money Back From the Black Hole of Public Spending!
PA sugar daddy, with deep pockets, needs a sugar baby in Texas. Is the Lone Star state ready to be the sugar daddy's run-off bride? Only time will tell if Texas voters will suck this billionaire tik-toking on a tick-tock.
Architectural Digest ranks Texas campuses about as well as the number of functioning brain cells that went into designing them. I guess everything's bigger in Texas, including the delusions.
Vespers condos are now on sale, starting at a bargain price of $545K. But wait, there's more! If you're a rich asshole, you can blow over $2 mil on a fancy pants unit. Ha! Good luck getting laid with that purchase. Maybe buy a sports car too while you're at it, Chad.
New Hospital Program: Breast is Best, Just Not Mom's. Let's Get Dad in There.
Texas is butthurt about critics judging its government's take on the Israel-Hamas conflict. Cry me a river, Odessa.
Three heroes from Austin spent their afternoon aiding international law enforcement by identifying American and Canadian bodies whilst living parents and millions more productive citizens had better things to do with their time.
