Old Geezers Sting and Eminem to Headline F1 Grand Prix, Because Fuck You That's Why

Austin, Texas – Aging rock star Sting and ancient rapper Eminem are gonna try to not break their hips as they headline the F1 Grand Prix, causing eye rolls across the globe.

Sting, who still thinks it's 1985, will serenade the geriatric crowd on Friday night with his "timeless hits." Meanwhile, Eminem, desperately clinging to relevance, will take the stage on Saturday to celebrate the 25th anniversary of his only good album, "The Slim Shady LP."

These has-beens think they're hot shit, but their last performances in Austin were forgettable at best. Sting bored audiences at the Moody Center last year, while Eminem, the self-proclaimed "best-selling rapper," drew large crowds a decade ago, probably by mistake.

The Circuit of the Americas is so full of shit about this "star-studded" lineup that they're offering to buy back passes. They know you're disappointed, and they don't care. You have until May 6 to dump these tickets before you're stuck watching these fossils mumble their way through their "hits."

Formula One Grand Prix:

October 18-20. Concerts are included with your race ticket, because who would pay for this shit separately?

Tickets and more information at circuitoftheamericas.com