Austin Airport: Now Consolidating Your Constitutional Right to Grope Into One Convenient Location
Austin Airport now funnels travelers through one, single, slow-as-shit security lane. Bon Voyage, now go fuck yourselves.
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Scum Continue Breeding, Need More Playpens
Skyline Park gives you great views of Austin's overpriced condos and hipster coffee shops. The bridge is a cheap ripoff of Pennybacker, and the splash pad is a cesspool of kid's snot and boogers. Oh, and let's not forget the playgrounds, where Karen can let her brats run wild while she pretends to be a fitness influencer.
Verde Square Developers Still Sucking It Up Despite Delays, Plan to Stuff More Housing Next to Q2 Stadium
Verde Square: another neighborhood-destroying project, with 369 overpriced apartment closets, 450k sq feet of pointless office space, a tiny amount of retail and a hotel that will probably be filled with hookers and drug dealers. Amazing!
Sorry, Austin, but Yelp just yeeted four of your turd burglar 'staples' onto their 'Top 100' list. Enjoy the hipster trash.
Yelp puts 4 Austin shitholes on 'best of' list; locals who are sick of hipsters agree.
Hipster D-bag to Force Crap Art Experience on Austin Locals
A new spa is coming to Austin in 2026, offering a unique blend of art and science. Or so they say. It's probably just another overpriced, Instagrammable hole where insecure Karens can pretend to relax while sipping on $20 green juice and posting selfies with peace signs. #SelfCare #TreatYourself #NamasteAwayFromMe
Office Space Sells, Normies Rejoice
O'Melveny & Myers are a bunch of lawyers who think they're fancy because they just leased 28,000 square feet of office space in downtown Austin. Yeah, they're moving into a shiny new 48-story tower called "The Republic." These lawyers probably think they've made it big now, but let's be real, they're just a bunch of overeducated paper-pushers who will never be as cool as they think they are. The Republic: probably just a giant phallic symbol to overcompensate for something.
Meow Wolf: 165 Pussies Get Clawed.
Meow Wolf is putting 165 employees out on the street, or back into their mom's basements. Happy job hunting, hippies!
Austin City Council to Toss $124M at Idiotic 'Deck Park' to Distract from Utterly Destroyed Downtown Highway
City proposes deck—aka 'cap' or 'stitch'—to cover up ugly highway eyesore, aka 'the poor people problem'.
First suckers move into their tiny overpriced jail cells in a giant condo tower, just to feel a sense of community.
Only losers and normies need mortgages. Chad buys his superyachts and Lambos with cash.
First Fools Move Into 41-Story Austin Urine-Soaked Hellhole.
Vespers condos are now on sale, starting at a bargain price of $545K. But wait, there's more! If you're a rich asshole, you can blow over $2 mil on a fancy pants unit. Ha! Good luck getting laid with that purchase. Maybe buy a sports car too while you're at it, Chad.
Southwest ditches Austin-Coz roach motel route. Book now, stupid.
Southwest is tired of dealing with the Cozumel cancelfest, ditching the destination to save some damn dough.
Texas Gets Screwed in the A** by Insurance Companies While Residents Ask "Why?"
Texans are getting fucked in the ass by insurance companies, paying almost double the national average for home insurance.
Mammas Boy Elon Can't Stop Government Spanking His Starlink
Elon Musk, AKA Daddy Warbucks, is taking heat for SpaceX's involvement in global conflicts. Seems his shiny Starlink toys are useful for more than just browsing incel forums in remote areas. Oopsie!
Austin City Council Gives Green Light to Monstrous Utility Plant at Airport; Taxpayers Get Screwed Again.
The Austin airport is a damn joke. CEO Ghizlane Badawi spilled the tea, saying basically everything about it sucks.
Jenna Elfman needs a sugar daddy to pay her mortgage.
Jenna Who? Oh yeah, the actress nobody cares about. Her house is up for rent, whoopy-do. If you're dumb enough to want to live in Austin and even dumber to care about this basic actress, knock yourself out. Good luck dealing with her stupidity saturating the walls.
Tesla news: Company to chop off 10% of "workforce", aka useless employees who do nothing while stoners get rich.
If these job cuts happen, we're looking at thousands of sad virgins who will now have time to pursue their side hustle of making edgy YouTube content about their basements and moms. It's the American dream, baby! Texas? Who knows, maybe the entire population of sad sacks.