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First Fools Move Into 41-Story Austin Urine-Soaked Hellhole.

Vespers condos are now on sale, starting at a bargain price of $545K. But wait, there's more! If you're a rich asshole, you can blow over $2 mil on a fancy pants unit. Ha! Good luck getting laid with that purchase. Maybe buy a sports car too while you're at it, Chad.

Published April 29, 2024 at 6:02am by Shonda Novak

Austin Welcomes First Residents to Vesper, a 41-Story Tower of Overpriced Condos for the Rich Elitists Who are Probably Cheating on Their Wives

Amid the never-ending construction chaos in downtown Austin, the city welcomes the first residents to Vesper, a 41-story monument to capitalism and greed. With prices ranging from $545,000 to over $2 million, these luxury condominiums are a slap in the face to the average taxpayer.

“There’s a significant portion already spoken for (in Vesper), which means most of us are already screwed,” said Tayler Davis, clueless marketing director for Pearlstone Partners. “We’re thrilled that Prospect Real Estate has managed to convince people with more money than sense to buy our overpriced condos.”

Located in the once-cool-now-corporate Rainey Street District, Vesper offers a range of condos from one-bedroom to penthouse units. Because God forbid you only have one bedroom when you're this rich. Amenities include a rooftop swimming pool for the beautiful people, a fitness center that no one will actually use, and a dog park because your pup is probably your only true friend.

But hey, at least they commissioned some local muralists to pretend they care about the community. Rex Hamilton, Adrian Landon Brooks, Kel Brown, Sadé Lawson, Matthew Rodriguez, Sophie Roach, and Will Bryant will have their art viewed by the rich as they walk into their luxurious homes.

Vesper is just one of several high-rise projects ruining the Austin skyline. The 74-story Waterline, set to become Texas' tallest tower, will cast a shadow over the homeless population. The Modern, a 56-story condo tower, is being developed by Kevin Burns, who specializes in taking advantage of the gullible and their desire to "live downtown."

"Lifestyle is what we sell, not office vacancy rates," said Perry Lorenz, a delusional downtown landowner. "People with too much money like the hike-and-bike trails and overpriced restaurants. They don't care about the rest of us."

So, congratulations, Austin! Vesper is now open, providing the perfect opportunity for the rich to look down on the rest of us, literally. Another win for the 1%.

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