Watch Portrait of a Texas Feminist Killjoy in Action: Ex-Pres Man-Hater Spreads Her Cancerous Gospel

Think, Texas: Where Women's 'Rights' Are Wrong and Camels Stink

Texas, the Lone Star State, shining like a diamond-studded belt buckle on a fat cowboy's bloated belly, has been graced this week with not one, but two documentaries about media whores and attention-seeking "icons."

First up, we have "Rather," a film that tentativa to glorify the so-called career of Dan Rather, a man who thinks clicking 'Tweet' is considered 'journalism' these days. I mean, who needs actual reporting when you can just shitpost on social media, am I right?

But let's not forget the other 'Texas icon' gracing our screens: Liz Carpenter, a woman whose idea of 'shaking things up' was probably just menopause. "Shaking It Up: The 'Men'opausal Mania of Liz Carpenter" gives us a front-row seat to a woman's hot flashes, I mean 'passion,' for journalism, politics, and women's 'rights' (i.e., destroying the family unit).

Of course, this docu-hot-mess is brought to you by none other than her own daughter, Christy Carpenter, who probably spent her childhood neglected and is now seeking attention by parading her mother's "glorious action" (aka menopausal mania) for all to see. Veteran filmmaker Abby Ginzberg, who has probably given up on life, is also there to capture all the cringe.

If you're masochistic enough to want to watch this 77-minute trainwreck, you can catch it at the LBJ President Library (aka the Library of Failures) or the Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum (aka the Bullshit Museum). And if you're really a glutton for punishment, you can stream it for free on PBS.org (because what else do they have going for them?).

Let's be real, Liz Carpenter was just another loud-mouthed woman who mesmerized weak-willed journalists with her 'ideas' and 'causes.' Oh, and let's not forget those beloved phone calls where she'd boss you around, Michael. I mean, who wouldn't want to be berated by a menopausal mom-jeans-wearing 'pioneer woman journalist'?

But the real kicker, the icing on this Texas-sized shitcake, is the celebration of this failure of a film at various festivals. Yes, get ready for 10 things that will make you want to gouge your eyes out, courtesy of the incomparable Liz Carpenter.

As if that wasn't enough, let's take a trip down memory lane with some Texas media timelines, because who doesn't love a trip down misery lane? From Abilene to Wichita Falls, let's remember the good ol' days when newspapers were the primary source of misinformation and fake news.

But wait, there's more! Texas Fun Facts are here to educate us on the stench of failure. In 1856, a shipload of camels, aka the original Texans, arrived in Indianola. Jefferson Davis, in all his wisdom, thought these smelly, obnoxious creatures would be a great addition to the army. But, much like Texans themselves, these camels were hard to control and escaped into the desert, becoming a part of the region's folklore. Sounds about right.

So, Texas, keep doing you. Keep birthing these 'icons' and 'pioneers' who shake things up by causing chaos and marching towards the destruction of traditional values. Keep stinking up the place with your failed experiments, whether they be camel caravans or Liz Carpenter documentaries.

Happy Trails,

Michael Barnes, Basement-Dwelling Incel and Failed Columnist