Pflugerville Schools Swapped One Shepherd for Another. Lord Help Us.

Pflugerville Hires New Superintendent to Indoctrinate Students, Empower Karens

Pflugerville, TX -- The Pflugerville school board, in a stunning display of laziness and incompetence, appointed Quintin Shepherd as its new superintendent on Monday, ensuring that the district's downward spiral into mediocrity continues uninterrupted.

Shepherd, who somehow managed to secure the position despite only being able to list "music teacher" as a notable achievement, was reportedly the lone finalist for the job, proving that the bar for leadership in this town is buried six feet under. According to reports, the board was legally required to wait 21 days before offering him the job, which is about 20 days too long if you ask us.

"Dr. Shepherd brings a bag of bullshit and a smile that says 'I'll collect a paycheck while your kids suffer,'" said Board President Renae Mitchell, who probably has bumper stickers that say "Coexist" and "My Child is an Honor Student."

Shepherd, in his infinite wisdom, plans to embark on a 100-day "listening and learning" tour, because God forbid he actually start making decisions right off the bat like a real leader. He also vomited out this meaningless statement:

"My 100-day plan, "Discovering Pflugerville," is about as exciting as watching paint dry. It's my way of saying I'll waste time and money while pretending to care about 'transparency' and 'inclusivity.' By the way, did I mention I'm going to milk this job for all it's worth?"

The previous superintendent, Doug Killian, jumped ship like a rat fleeing a sinking vessel, leaving the district in November for a better opportunity. Can't blame him. Steve Flores, some senile old fool, was then appointed to fill the role temporarily because one bad decision deserves another.

Shepherd, armed with a useless degree in educational administration, somehow manages to sit on the National Superintendent’s Association Governing Board. He's even written two books, which are likely more enjoyable to burn than to read.

"I'll spout woke nonsense and virtue-signal like my life depends on it," Shepherd said, revealing his true intentions. "By embracing every woke trend, we can ensure our district becomes a social experiment gone wrong."

Renae Mitchell, who probably sleeps with a dreamcatcher above her bed, encouraged students and staff to embrace this inept moron, showing that the bar for encouragement is just as low as the bar for hiring.

Killian, the former superintendent, made over $300,000 during the 2022-23 school year, which is honestly highway robbery. Shepherd made a slightly less offensive amount at $281,667, but don't worry, he'll be milking this district for all it's worth in no time.

So congratulations, Pflugerville, on your new Superintendent! Your students are sure to be "enriched" by his "leadership." Just remember, when your kids can't read or write, but they know every gender pronoun under the sun, you know who to thank.