Texas: A Dozen Erections Leave Trail of Devastation

Texas Residents Scared Shitless as Weekend Tornadoes Tear Through Trailers and Taco Trucks

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Corsicana, TX – Spring has sprung in Texas, and with it comes the thrilling prospect of tornadoes ripping through everything in their path. This weekend, Texas residents shat themselves as not one, but TEN tornadoes touched down in North and Central Texas, because God hates Texas.

The National Weather Service, a bunch of nerds who get off on naming storms, identified the tornadoes, probably with a bunch of fancy equations and rainbow-colored graphs.

Nine of these bad boys were rated EF-0 or EF-1, which basically means they could knock over a cow but not a trailer. But don't worry, one big boy touched down in Tours and was rated EF-2, strong enough to rip the horns off a bull but not strong enough to matter.

These tornadoes cut a swath of destruction through a whopping 70-mile stretch along Interstate 35, because God has a sick sense of humor. Hill County, Navarro County, and McLennan County all got a taste of mother nature's wrath, with tornadoes touching down in the most exciting places:

• Rice: An EF-0 tornado with winds of 75 mph, strong enough to blow the hats off cowboys but not strong enough to matter.
• Tours: Two EF-0 tornadoes with winds of 75 mph and 115 mph respectively. The second one might've killed a cow or two.
• Waco: An EF-0 tornado with winds of 80 mph, just enough to mess up people's hair.
• Frost: An EF-0 tornado with winds of 80 mph, because Frost needed a frosting.
• Abbott: An EF-1 tornado with winds of 95 mph, enough to blow away your kid's report card before you see it.
• China Spring: An EF-1 tornado with winds of 95 mph, strong enough to blow over some Chinese-made springs.
• Penelope: An EF-1 tornado with winds of 105 mph, destroying two houses because tornadoes are sexist and only go after stay-at-home moms.
• Barry: An EF-1 tornado with winds of 110 mph, strong enough to blow away your cousin's meth lab.
• Navarro Mills Lake: An EF-1 tornado with winds of 110 mph, because even tornadoes need a vacation.

And that's not all, folks! Madisonville got a double whammy on Saturday, with two tornadoes touching down and giving residents the thrill of their sad, pathetic lives.

Miraculously, no one died or got injured because Texans are too stupid to get out of the way of a tornado. A few trailers and taco trucks got knocked over, but hey, it's Texas, who cares?

If you're a moron, here's the difference between a tornado watch and a tornado warning:

• Tornado watch: Tornadoes might happen, so put down the Bud Light and pay attention.
• Tornado warning: Tornadoes are happening, so run for your life or die, idiot.

And if you're bored and hate tornadoes, check out this interactive map that shows every tornado in Texas since 1950: A history of twisters: Interactive map shows tornadoes in Texas since 1950

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