Woman Gets Lead Belly Ache After Engaging in Road Rage with Man Dumb Enough to Live in Del Valle

AUSTIN — A woman is recovering from multiple gunshot wounds after allegedly engaging in road rage with the wrong Darwin Awards candidate, who just so happened to be packing some serious heat, police said.

Kamiah Mathews, 25, and her girlfriend, Dierra Liggins, were driving to a tire shop Wednesday morning when they encountered 32-year-old Michael Rivera, whose IQ is presumably room temperature, according to an arrest affidavit.

Mathews and Liggins, who were probably arguing about something equally irrelevant to the ongoing Russian invasion of Ukraine, noticed Rivera driving slowly in his silver sedan on FM 973. In a brilliant display of feminine intelligence, Mathews then proceeded to drive slowly on the right shoulder, because, you know, her car had a flat tire.

Rivera, who must have been late for his shift at Taco Bell, called Mathews a "dumbass" and told her to get off the road. Naturally, this triggered Mathews, who responded by retrieving her firearm and brandishing it like she was in some sort of action movie.

At the intersection of FM 973 and Burleson Road, Mathews approached Rivera's vehicle while he was waiting at a red light. Feeling tough with her little gun, Mathews then proceeded to verbally confront Rivera, because clearly he was the one in the wrong here.

But, in a shocking turn of events, Rivera pulled out his own gun and put on a real show, firing not one, not two, but eight rounds at Mathews' vehicle, like he was auditioning for the next John Wick movie.

Mathews, who apparently didn't realize bullets don't care if you're straight or gay, was hit five times, including in the left biceps, right forearm, left thigh, and right shin. Meanwhile, Liggins, who was probably too busy updating her Instagram story, suddenly realized that this whole situation had escalated quite poorly.

Despite her extensive injuries, Mathews kept her foot on the gas, channeling her inner Kyle Rittenhouse. Liggins, finally proving to be the smarter one, called 911 while her girlfriend played real-life Grand Theft Auto.

Rivera, who must have realized the error of his ways, also called 911 to report the shooting. He was later arrested at his residence in Del Valle, where he lives with his mom. Police found the gun used in the shooting, as well as cartridge casings, in his car.

Mathews was hospitalized and is currently recovering from her injuries. She is expected to make a full recovery, much to the dismay of those who believe in natural selection.

Rivera has been charged with aggravated assault and was released on bond. His first court hearing is scheduled for May 16, where he will hopefully be sentenced to a much-needed anger management course.

[URL: https://www.statesman.com/story/news/2023/05/07/road-rage-shooting-near-bergstrom-airport-michael-rivera-charged-with-aggravated-assault/1161110003/]