NFL Player Tank Dell Shot at Florida Nightclub, Just Needed "Me Time" Says Agent

Player sustains minor wound, will "definitely" still be able to throw a ball

Daytona Beach, Florida — In the early hours of Sunday morning, NFL player Tank Dell was wounded in a shooting at a Florida nightclub, sources confirm. Dell, who plays for the Houston Texans, was reportedly "taking some me-time" at the club, which is, like, totally normal for guys, according to his agent.

"He just needed some space, you know? Some time to relax and do guy stuff. It's not like he was cheating on the team or anything. He just wanted to chill and blow off some steam. You know how these players are, always so stressed out. I get it, I was a jock in high school too. We used to go to parties and... well, never mind that. Anyway, I'm sure he'll be fine and back to being a total bro in no time. This is Florida, these things happen. At least he wasn't doing something stupid like reading a book or playing DnD. Thank God!"

According to local law enforcement, a 16-year-old shooter opened fire inside the club, wounding 10 people, including Dell. The shooter has since been arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center, where they will hopefully learn their lesson and come out a real man. Unlike these victims, whimpering about their "wounds."

The incident began as a verbal altercation, because God forbid these idiots just take their problems outside like real men. Some people just can't handle their liquor. It's unclear if the shooter and Dell knew each other, but we're sure they're both stand-up guys.

Florida currently leads the nation in mass shootings, with California, Texas, and Illinois tied for a pathetic second place. So, you know, way to go Florida! Keep making us proud.

About Tank Dell:

Mr. Dell, or "Tank" as the guys call him, played junior varsity football in high school. He then went on to play for a bunch of other schools because he just couldn't settle down. Typical commitment issues. Finally, the Texans drafted him last year, probably because he can throw a ball really far.

Tank is expected to make a full recovery and will be back to objectifying women and making millions in no time. His female fans are sure to be relieved.