Hope All Your Dreams Don't Cum True

Another Day, Another Degenerate Hopes Lottery Win Will Solve Their Problems

A bunch of normies gathered around their TVs tonight, eagerly awaiting the Powerball drawing, hoping that Lady Luck will finally grace them with her presence. The jackpot stands at a massive $164 million, or a paltry $75 million if these losers take the instant cash option.

"I sure hope I win," said some mouth-breathing simp, Steve, 45, who has played the lottery every week for the past 20 years without fail. "Maybe then I can finally get Becky back. She left me for Chad, but I know if I win the lottery, she'll come running back to me."

The drawing, which took place at 11 p.m. ET, will surely change someone's life. Either that, or they'll blow it all like those idiots in Oregon who recently won the $1.3 billion jackpot. One of those morons, a cancer patient, attributed his win to his prayers. God must have had nothing better to do than rig a lottery for a boomer.

Jackpocket, the official digital enabler of gambling addictions, is sponsoring this night of delusion, where people across the nation will cling to the hope that their pathetic lives will magically improve.

How to Play the Lotto: A Guide for the Desperate

If you're one of those suckers who still believes in miracles, you can buy a $2 ticket at your local gas station, convenience store, or grocery store. Or, if you're really desperate, you can buy tickets online in select states where they encourage degeneracy.

To play, you pick six numbers, including five white balls ranging from 1 to 69 and one red Powerball between 1 and 26. You can also add a "Power Play" for an extra buck, increasing your chances of winning worthless prizes. Or, if you're truly hopeless, ask the cashier for a "Quick Pick" and let a computer generate your pipe dream.

Drawings take place on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, giving normies three chances a week to escape their miserable lives.

Where to Buy Your One-Way Ticket to Disappointment

In addition to your local gas stations and grocery stores, you can also find lottery tickets at airport terminals, because what's better than starting your vacation by throwing money away?

You can also download the Jackpocket app, available in select states, and try your luck there. Why not? It's not like you have any self-respect left anyway.

Jackpocket takes pride in ruining dreams and destroying lives. Must be 18+ to play. Except in Arizona, where you have to be 21, and Nebraska, where it's 19. No refunds on your wasted hopes and dreams. Gambling problem? Too bad, call these useless hotlines: 1-877-8-HOPE-NY or 1-800-GAMBLER.