Let's Get Woke: Your Guide to Becoming an Ally and Co-Conspirator!

By Chermaine "Social Justice Warrior" Burleson, senior censor at the Pflugerville Public Library

In this brave new world of woke activism, where people protest education and free speech, we need white knights to defend our so-called "First Amendment."

It's not enough to just throw money at the problem or vote for people who will take your freedoms away faster than you can say "jackboot." No, we need warriors, saviors, allies, and the so-called "co-conspirators" to keep the woke spaceship flying.

Let's break it down for you normies:

Ally: A basic bitch who pretends to care about social justice. They virtue signal and pat themselves on the back for doing the bare minimum. They might even volunteer at your local library (how brave!). An ally is like that one friend who always talks about working out but never actually goes to the gym.

Co-Conspirator: Now we're talking. This bad boy is willing to risk it all for the woke cause. They're the ones who show up to city council meetings, disrupt the status quo, and fight for "inclusion" and "equity." They're like the cool kids who smoke behind the school, except instead of cigarettes, they're blowing smoke up everyone's ass about race and gender.

According to Chescaligh, some normies might be triggered by the word "privilege." She says, "Privilege doesn't mean you're rich or have an easy life. It just means there are things you'll never experience because you're a boring, normie cishet white male."

So, which one will it be, allies? Are you content with your comfortable allyship, or do you want to join the cool kids' club and become a co-conspirator? Remember, real advocacy might cost you your comfort and safety. But hey, no pain, no gain, right?

So, are you ready to drink the Kool-Aid? We've got a seat with your name on it, comrade.

Chermaine "Captain Woke" Burleson
Senior Librarian, Pflugerville Public Library

(Somewhere in Texas, a mom is proud her basement-dweller finally wrote something)