Krispy Kreme Rewarding Sad Losers With Free Doughnuts, Because Why Not?

URL: www.today.com/uwp/money/food-drinks/krispy-kreme-rewards-free-doughnuts-new-benefits-t240923

Krispy Kreme, in a desperate attempt to appease its loyal customers - probably mostly neckbeards and lonely office workers - is revamping its rewards program. Because what's better than incentivizing unhealthy eating habits?

The company announced Tuesday that its rewards program now offers an improved points system, allowing members to earn a whopping 10 points for every $1 spent. That's right, spend your hard-earned cash on sugar-laden treats and be rewarded with... more sugar-laden treats!

"Yay! Now I can eat my feelings away even more effectively!" said one enthusiastic, obese customer.

With their new rewards, members can redeem points for a single doughnut, a 3-pack, 6-pack, or a whole dozen. Because why not just lean into that diabetes diagnosis? Might as well wash it down with some free coffee or hot chocolate too, right?

But wait, there's more! Rewards members will also receive exclusive perks, like a free treat on their birthday (because one day of unhealthy eating isn't enough), the chance to try limited-time products for free (because who doesn't love an exclusive sugar rush?), and double points during their anniversary month (because what says love better than doughnuts?).

"We want to reward our customers for their unfortunate life choices," said a Krispy Kreme spokesperson, reading from a corporate script. "And what better way to do that than by offering them more of what they love? It's like we're enabling their slow descent into self-destruction, but hey, at least they're enjoying the ride!"

To celebrate this pathetic excuse for a rewards program, Krispy Kreme is giving away a free original glazed dozen to all rewards members, including new members who sign up between April 30 and May 11. Current members will receive their sugary bribe on April 30.

That's not all, folks! Rewards members will also enjoy a dozen consecutive days of deals, from April 30 to May 11, where they can indulge in even more free doughnuts and coffee.Because nothing says "reward" like encouraging people to eat more empty calories.

So, if you're a sad, lonely soul seeking comfort in the form of deep-fried dough, head on over to www.krispykreme.com/account/create-account and sign up for Krispy Kreme Rewards. It's like they're rewarding you for your inevitable heart attack!