Texas Republicans Blame TikTok for Everything, from Runoff Losses to Male Pattern Baldness

Even before the US ban on TikTok, some Texas House members were già blaming the app for their crappy political fortunes. And also, like, totally forgetting to wipe after taking a dump.

The real culprit? Billionaire Jeff Yass, who owns 7% of TikTok and also breathes the same air as these sorry politicians. Yass emerged as a major donor to Gov. Greg "Greggy the Two-Faced Snake" Abbott's sickeningly-sweet little crusade to defeat House Republicans who opposed "school choice."

Yass, the slimy weasel, has been dumping cash into Texas races faster than you dump your kid at daycare so you can do your dang nails.

"Uh, yeah, that Jeff guy is, like, totally ruining my chance at winning. I was totally gonna win, you guys. I promise. It had nothing to do with me being a total douchecanoe."

• Every GOP Candidate, Ever.

Yass-backed challengers are coming for the old blood like a pack of raging bulls, or something. The incumbents are shaking in their boots, crying into their cereal, and probably shitting themselves (again). They won't even return my calls, they're so scared. Pathetic.

Rep. Justin Holland, a four-term Republican from Rockwall, calls out Yass by name in his campaign messages, basically tattling on the guy like a kindergarten snitch. He's all, "That Jeff guy is making bank off TikTok and turning our kids commie!"

President Bite Me signed the TikTok ban into law, which was part of a $95.3 billion package to help Ukraine and other countries. You know, instead of helping Americans. Priorities, am I right?

Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Austin, who probably never gets invited to parties, called TikTok "a spy balloon in Americans' phones." He must be fun at barbecues.

The ban gives TikTok nine months to sell or get blocked from US-based web hosting services. So, like, see ya never, I guess?

Even Governor Greggy the Two-Faced Snake got in on the action, banning TikTok from state-issued phones and computers. He's got some serious balls to do that after his little wall fiasco.

Trump, everyone's favorite ex-prez, posted on his own platform, Truth Social, that the only winner of a TikTok ban would be Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg. He's right, for once, but let's not give him too much credit. Trump, you're a dingus, but you're our dingus.

Lauren Cottingham, a Republican strategist with more degrees than friends, thinks the party is split on the issue, like it's some kind of fro-yo. She needs to get her priorities straight and focus on the real issue: school choice.

Matt Mackowiak, a Texas Republican operative with even fewer friends than Cottingham, thinks the TikTok ban is justified, but tying Yass to the platform in the runoffs is about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. He's got Trump's endorsement to worry about. You know, the important issues.