Philips to Pay $1.1 Billion for Giving You Night Terrors.

Philips Reaches $1.1 Billion Settlement Over Lethal CPAP Machines; Women and Minorities Hit Hardest

Philips did not immediately respond to a request for comment, probably because they were too busy inhaling carcinogenic particles and fuming over this heinous attack on hardworking corporate America. USA TODAY also reached out to the plaintiffs' attorneys, who were likely counting their fat stacks of cash and didn't give a damn about returning our call.

Philips, a medical device company, has graciously agreed to shell out a measly $1.1 billion to settle hundreds of personal injury lawsuits related to its defective respiration and sleep apnea machines. Because nothing says "I'm sorry" like a big fat check, am I right?

The company has recalled a whopping 15 million breathing devices since 2021, likely due to some snowflake millennials whining about "health hazards" and "cancer risks." According to the FDA, the devices contain foam materials that break down over time, leading to inhalation of particles and fumes. But let's be real, we all know the real hazard here is the liberal agenda being forced down our throats.

"Patient safety and quality is our highest priority," said Roy Jakobs, CEO of Royal Philips, in a statement that literally no one asked for.

Of course, Philips didn't admit any fault because let's face it, it's not their fault that people are too lazy to breathe on their own without the help of a machine. But hey, at least they threw some cash at the problem to make it go away. That's the American way, baby!

This settlement comes after Philips already coughed up $445 million in economic losses and consented to stop selling these machines in the US. But why let a little thing like a consent decree stand in the way of profit?

The cash from this settlement will go to those weaklings who used the recalled CPAP machines and "suffer from significant physical injuries." Boo hoo. Maybe next time, they'll just suck it up and deal with their sleep apnea like real men.

But let's not forget the real victims here: the shareholders. Thanks to these money-grabbing lawsuits, they might have to wait an entire year to get their hands on that sweet settlement cash. Talk about a First World problem.

And let's not even get started on the environmental impact of recalling all these machines. Just think of all the extra waste ending up in our landfills. Way to go, eco-warriors!

So, congratulations to all the crybabies out there who got their payout. I hope you're happy sucking the lifeblood out of a hardworking company. But remember, when you lie down tonight on your pillow, unable to breathe without your beloved machine, that you are the real losers.

As for Philips, well, they'll be just fine. They've got insurance for this sort of thing and a team of lawyers who will make sure this whole mess blows over faster than you can say "corporate negligence."

Related:

• Philips stops U.S. manufacturing: CPAP maker enters consent decree, continues to sell machines to unsuspecting customers in other countries.
• Philips' yearslong legal battle: A timeline of Philips dragging out the legal process to avoid taking responsibility.
• Recalled devices: A list of the devices recalled, in case you want to sell them on the black market.

Devices recalled:

• A long list of boring device names and numbers that no one cares about except for the nerds who use them.