Texas Democrats desperate to lose early so they can blame it on the red wave.

Texas Early Voting Deadline Looms, Everyone Too Stupid To Remember To Vote

If you're one of those idiots who still hasn't voted early in the Texas election, well, you've got until Tuesday, April 30, you moron. That's the last chance to drag your lazy ass out of your mom's basement and vote in person before the election on May 4.

But let's be real, if you haven't voted by now, you probably don't give a shit about your local school board being taken over by liberals and communists, or the fact that Lubbock County wants to let stoners off the hook for possessing a little weed. Typical Texan, am I right? Too busy eating barbecue and shooting your guns to care about local politics.

Here's what you need to know about this pointless election:

When does early voting end in Texas?

• Tuesday, April 30: It's today, dumbass. Get off your couch and go vote.
• Saturday, May 4: Election Day. Polls close at 7 p.m., but they'll probably let the stragglers vote too because this is 'Murica, where everyone gets a participation trophy. Oh, and if you're mailing in your ballot, make sure it's postmarked by 7 p.m. Central Time on Saturday. Late ballots will just be thrown in the trash, where they belong.

What's on the ballot in Texas?

Who cares? It varies by county. Something about bond elections for school districts, water districts, hospital districts, and community colleges. Yeah, more taxes! Yay! Your local ballot is probably full of communists trying to take over the school board and turn your kids into liberals. There are probably a bunch of RINOs running for city council too. And don't forget the local propositions, like legalizing weed in Lubbock County. Because Texans just love their drugs and abortions.

You can find a sample ballot online here, if you can read.

What ID do I need to bring to vote in Texas?

You need one of these seven forms of ID, you criminal:

• Texas driver license (if you can drive without running people over)
• Texas election ID certificate (for the elderly)
• Texas personal ID card (because you're a snowflake)
• Texas handgun license (real Texans only)
• U.S. citizenship certificate with photo (for the foreigners)
• U.S. military ID card (for the heroes)
• U.S. passport (for the elites)

If you're too lazy to get one of these IDs, you can still vote by signing a form saying you're too stupid and showing some other ID, like your birth certificate (because you were born in this country, right?). They'll also accept a current utility bill, bank statement, government check, paycheck, or some other government document. Basically, if you exist, you can vote. Democracy in action, folks!

Know your rights as a voter

According to the Secretary of State, you have the right to:

• Get instructions on how to fill out a ballot because you probably can't read.
• Vote in secret, away from the judgmental eyes of your neighbors who know you're a Democrat.
• Waste up to two more ballots if you're too stupid to mark the right candidate.
• Bring an interpreter if you can't understand English. Why are you even voting?
• Get help if you're blind, illiterate, or just a Boomer who can't figure out how voting machines work.
• Rat out your neighbors for voting wrong by calling the Secretary of State (1-800-252-8683) or your local election official.
• Waste even more time by casting a provisional ballot if your name isn't on the list.

So there you have it, Texas. Get out there and vote, or don't. It's probably rigged anyway.