shopping

“OMG, Who Gives a Crap? Buy More Junk, You Sheep.”

Oh, joy! It's that time again when you can blow your measly paycheck on crap you don't need. Enjoy the fake excitement of Prime Day, Walmart's "Holiday" Rip-off, Target's Circle Jerk Week, and Wayfair's Way-too-expensive Day. Happy splurging, suckers!

Published October 7, 2024 at 10:41am by Kasey Caminiti

Here We Go Again: Another Freakin' Holiday Sale Bonanza

Oh, joy! It's that time of the year when every retailer under the sun wants to grab your cash. With Amazon's Prime Big Deal Days and Walmart Holiday Deals starting tomorrow, October 8, let's dive into the dumpster fire of consumerism.

Jump to the October Sales (Because who cares about any other month?)

Amazon Prime Big Deal Days
Walmart Holiday Deals
Target Circle Jerk—I mean, Week
Wayfair Way Day 2024

1. Amazon Prime Big Deal Days

When is it? Tuesday, October 8 and Wednesday, October 9 (Because two days aren't enough to bankrupt you.)
What is Prime Big Deal Days? Just another excuse for Amazon to fleece Prime members with "thousands of awesome deals." Expect discounts on crap like Apple devices, kitchen gadgets, and hair-frying tools.

Shop today's "best" Amazon deals (vs. yesterday'swhich were obviously crap):

Amazon Prime membership

Fork over your money to Amazon so they can make more money during their stupid sale. Sign up for Amazon Prime

Apple iPad (9th Generation) 256GB

Save 40% on an outdated iPad because who needs the newest tech, right? $199 at Amazon (Save $130)

Sperax Walking Pad, Under Desk Treadmill

Walk off that holiday weight before you even gain it with this overpriced treadmill. $159.99 at Amazon (Save $170)

Blink Outdoor 4 (4th Generation)

Finally, a "smart" camera to spy on your neighbors. $130.99 at Amazon (Save $209)

DeWalt 20V Max Cordless Drill/Driver Kit

Drill holes in your walls for no reason with this "top-rated" DeWalt kit. $99 at Amazon (Save $79)

Hot Tools Pro Artist 24K Gold Digital 3-Barrel Hair Waver

Burn your hair off with this ridiculous gold hair waver. $53.48 at Amazon (Save $26.51)

2. Walmart Holiday Deals

When is it? Tuesday, October 8 through Sunday, October 13 (Because one week isn't enough to clear their overstock.)
What is Walmart Holiday Deals? Walmart+ members get to spend their money 12 hours before the peasants.

Shop today's "best" Walmart deals (if you call this crap best):

Lego Star Wars 2024 Advent Calendar for Kids

Rip off your kids with an overpriced Lego Advent calendar. $35.99 at Walmart (Save $9)

CAP 25-Pound Adjustable Dumbbell Set

Pretend you're gonna work out with this cheap dumbbell set. $69 at Walmart (Save $43)

3. Target Circle Jerk Week

When is it? Sunday, October 6 through Saturday, October 12 (Another week, another waste of time.)
What is Target Circle Week? A lame attempt by Target to make you feel special with "exclusive offers" on crap you don't need.

Shop the "best" Target Circle Week deals (if you're into that kind of thing):

Nespresso Vertuo Pop+ Combination Espresso and Coffee Maker

Pretend you're fancy with this overpriced coffee maker. $99.99 at Target (Save $30)

Tangkula 4.5-Foot Snow Flocked Pre-Lit Christmas Tree

Scam your family with a fake Christmas tree. $59.99 at Target (Save $109.96)

4. Wayfair's October Way Day 2024

When is it? Saturday, October 5 through Wednesday, October 9 (Because five days aren't enough to clear their warehouse.)
What is Way Day? Just another excuse for Wayfair to dump their junk on you with "up to 80% off sitewide."

Shop the "best" Way Day 2024 deals (if you're into cheap crap):

Cuisinart Multiclad Pro 12-Piece Stainless Steel Cookware Set

Pretend you can cook with this overpriced cookware set. $299.95 at Wayfair (Save $370.05)

Sand & Stable Hertford Upholstered Linen Blend Accent Chair with Wooden Legs and One Pillow

Sit your lazy ass down on this ugly accent chair. $128.99 at Wayfair (Save $255.01)

Pure Garden Low Voltage Solar Powered Integrated LED Metal Pathway Lights (Set of 8)

Light up your crappy yard with these cheap solar lights. $54.46 at Wayfair (Save $45.53)

Shop more rip-off sales and crappy deals this week:

Streaming deals: Disney+, Prime Video, Paramount+ (Because streaming services aren't bleeding you dry already.)
The Home Depot: Save up to 50% during The Home Depot's Decor Days (Because your house isn't cluttered enough.)
AncestryDNA: Save on top-rated DNA kits (Because who cares about privacy?)
Groupon: Get a $20 gift card with your Costco membership for a limited time only (Because who doesn't need more unused gift cards?)
HexClad: Save up to $1,156 on Gordon Ramsay-approved cookware (Because celebrities know best.)

Prices were accurate at the time this garbage was published but may change over time.