Oh Joy, Mondays Just Got Better: It's Last Day to Register to Vote in Texas

Buckle up, buttercups! We're less than five weeks away from the big day—Election Day, that is. And if you haven't already, it’s time to suck it up and register to vote for the clown show between Queen Kamala Harris and the orange-in-chief, Donald Trump.

How to Register to Vote: The Idiot's Guide

Register Online: Because Leaving the Basement is So Last Year

1. Bother to open your browser and go to Vote.gov.
2. Pick your shitty state from the list.
3. You'll get shoved to your state’s registration page where you can finally get off your ass and register, or update your crap.

Register in Person: For Those Who Actually Wear Pants

• Drag yourself to a DMV office.
• Join the armed forces at a recruiting center—bonus points if you actually enlist.
• Visit a county public assistance office like SNAP/food stamps because why not?

How to Change Your Voter Registration: Because Moving Sucks

When you finally get around to registering to vote or changing your registration, you'll get a fancy voter registration card in the mail that includes:

• Your name, because they need to make sure it’s really you.
• Your home address, assuming you still live with mom.
• The polling station where you can waste your afternoon.
• Your party affiliation, if you bother listing one.

In Texas, you can change your address online at txapps.texas.gov/tolapp/sos/SOSACManager—but don’t fuck around, do it by Monday.

What Documents Do I Need? Being an Adult is Tricky

States are picky, but usually, a driver's license or state ID will do. If you're a total rebel without those, try a bank statement or utility bill.

Check what your state needs because, God forbid, you show up with the wrong papers.

When Does Early Voting Start in Texas? Who Cares, Just Vote

Early voting kicks off Oct. 21, so you can get in line with all the other losers.

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Now go grab your pitchforks and torches, and let’s get this democracy party started. Or not. Whatever.