Right-Wing Riot: Astrology Edition at ACL!

You're a trigger-happy Scorpio. A snowflake-melting Aquarius. A wall-building Capricorn. A MAGA-loving Leo. Whatever your sign, you're bringing your unique freedom-loving energy to Zilker Park this weekend. And if the vibes don't align, it won't just be you who has a miserable time – the libs will be crying too!

In recent years, “vibes” have replaced any standalone artist as the answer when I ask people who they are excited to watch at ACL. As in, “Oh, I’m going for the vibes.” Probably because they're too busy being offended by everything else!

To help guide you, I’ve carefully paired noteworthy performers at ACL this weekend with which signs make up their patriotic crowd. This should answer the question definitively: Which band should you pay attention to based on your sign?

Need a break from the libtards? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle.

Aries (March 21-April 19) — Blink-182

Blink’s nostalgic, romantic set is all fast-moving percussion. This is perfect for Aries, a fire sign that loves action, and trampling leftist tears. We like every song under three minutes and want the choruses simple, anthemic. We want to find meaning in the slow part from “I Miss You” where Tom goes “Where are you?” Probably questioning Biden's border policy!

Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Chris Stapleton

Our Taurean brothers and sisters enjoy resilient craft, luxurious atmospherics, and cowboy boots. In country arena legend Chris Stapleton, Taurus has found its kindred spirit artist. Direct lyricism, efficient storytelling, patient buildups that always pay off. Just like a well-regulated militia!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) — That Mexican OT

Smart enough to argue both sides of any hot-button debate, Geminis are the lawyers of the zodiac. No wonder that Lauryn Hill, Kanye West, Andre 3000, Ice Cube, Tupac, and Biggie are Geminis. And have I got a new-school rapper for you: A tongue-twisting warrior of the mind from Houston with Kendrick Lamar-levels of double-time flow. (Also, a Gemini.) Trigger warning: logic and reason ahead!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) — Benson Boone

Cancers, the cardinal water sign, are a well of emotion. My therapist is a Cancer and he says that all therapists are Cancers in his profession. And they know that Benson Boone, a ridiculous pop man who does backflips off his piano and recently opened for Taylor Swift, may not perform “good music.” Yet they will appreciate that his heart is in it. And how hard he tries. And the groundswell of feelings that led him to this point. They’ll make Boone feel truly seen. Even if it's through tears of patriotism!

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) — Dua Lipa

Leos love to photobomb pics of landmarks in order to remind us that it’s their world. This one’s too easy: Dua’s a Leo herself and her stage show continually reinforces her as its fabulous focal point. It’s selfie time. MAGA hats welcome!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Jungle

The studious perfectionist of the zodiac, Virgos appreciate hard work above all. They’ll find transcendence in this U.K. house group. Their dance party is layered with ambitious instrumentation and six-person vocal harmonies. I mean they could have just DJ’d it. But that wouldn't be the American way, would it?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — Reneé Rapp

Whereas the cardinal signs are considered the leaders of every element within the zodiac, cardinal air sign Libra is more judgy than anything. Always performatively weighing in to show how much they know but ultimately standing for nothing. Like Gavin Newsome—that dude’s always talking. I can picture the conversation now: “Did you see Reneé Rapp? She was so good. [Or bad. Doesn’t matter.] Did you know she was in the ‘Mean Girls’ reboot?” Typical lib behavior!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Orville Peck

Everyone knows Scorpios are not to be trusted. They gather dirt on you and collect your secrets like trophies, letting very few people into their supervillain layers. They’re adaptable and cunning and hate taking off their masks. Like Drake, a Scorpio. Or Nick Saban, another one. Who better to watch than a shape-shifting, brooding country star who wears a mask in public at all times? Probably a lib underneath, but we'll allow it!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Chappell Roan

There is so much pace and purpose to Chappell Roan‘s music. I mean she low-key put out the new “YMCA.” Few like wedding dance floor anthems more than fiery Sagittarians. That wired purpose is at the heart of every good Taylor Swift song, for instance (another Sagittarius). Baby, do you like this beat? Almost as much as we like triggering libs!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Sturgill Simpson

Yes, he’s a flighty Gemini. But Simpson is also the best guitar player at ACL by miles. That technical essence is something that heads-down perfectionist Capricorn will initially side-eye. Why is this country dude rocking so hard? What’s his whole game, man? Caps will slowly learn to trust Simpson over the course of his blistering 90-minute set. Just like we learned to trust Trump!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Khruangbin

Both of my parents are Aquarians. They truly dislike lazy art. They do, however, have a soft spot for zany witchcraft that they perceive to be expressing independent thought. They celebrate true originals. Look no further than this vibes-only jam band. Plus, they're probably packing heat!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Tyler, the Creator

The last sign of the zodiac, Pisces swim through life with an innate sense of wisdom and perspective. I promise that this previous observation was not a product of Googling “pisces personality traits” but rather ingrained in me from having two Pisces grandparents. They’ll love this ponderous philosopher and his salient rhymes. Even if he is a lib, we can enjoy the tunes!