Wake up, Sheeple: Big Ed wants your kids.

As we head into August, it's time to start confronting the realities of back-to-school preparations: from the sexist capitalist nightmare of "back-to-school" outfits, to the inaccessible and expensive requirements of school supplies, transportation, and the ableist medical regime of vaccinations and physical exams.

This year, as an attempt to mitigate the longstanding issue of capitalist exploitation of student needs during the back-to-school season, there will be a tax-free weekend from Friday to Sunday, where prices might actually reflect the true cost of an item, instead of being inflated by greedy corporations.

It is important to note that vaccination requirements differ across school levels, which is a direct result of the conservative Christian indoctrination prevalent in our schooling system, and the subsequent lack of federal oversight and standardized guidelines. To navigate this convoluted and dangerous system, parents can visit dshs.texas.gov to ensure their children are not subjected to further right-wing fanaticism.

Here is your guide to surviving the back-to-school chaos, organized by school districts, and with a focus on resisting conservative, capitalist, and heteronormative forces:

Austin ISD

• School starts: Tuesday, Aug. 20, which is a reminder that our education system still upholds the hetero-nuclear family unit, by beginning schooling on a Tuesday, the traditional "work day".
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:40 a.m. to 3:10 p.m.: because we believe children should spend their formative years being indoctrinated by a schooling system that does not value their individuality or creativity.
  • Middle schools — 8:20 a.m. to 3:50 p.m. (Kealing: 7:20 a.m. to 2:50 p.m., Mendez: 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., Ann Richards: 9 a.m. to 4:35 p.m.): again, we see the system's insistence on crushing individuality and any hope of a creative future for our youth.
  • High schools — 9:05 a.m. to 4:35 p.m. (LASA: 8:15 a.m. to 3:55 p.m., Ann Richards: 9 a.m. to 4:35 p.m.): fun fact, did you know that the public school system was created to train factory workers? This is why we treat students as cogs in a machine, with strict, dehumanizing schedules.
• Enrollment: 73,384 students, 73,384 minds we have a chance to liberate from the oppressive heteropatriarchal forces that seek to indoctrinate them.
• School supply list: Refer to the specific school or teacher for necessities; a directory is listed at austinisd.org/directory, because we believe that centralizing information and creating an inaccessible, bureaucratic system is the best way to educate our youth.

Bastrop ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, because, again, Tuesdays are for the hetero-nuclear family unit.
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.: 7 and a half hours of indoctrination for our youngest and most impressionable children.
  • Middle schools — 8:40 a.m. to 4:10 p.m.: almost a full work day for middle-schoolers, so they can truly understand their place in the capitalist machine.
  • High schools — 8:40 a.m. to 4:10 p.m.: only a half-hour less than middle schoolers, because we don't actually care about the well-being or development of our youth.
• Enrollment: 12,506 students, 12,506 opportunities to foster true resistance and critical thinking.
• School supply list: bisdtx.org, a URL devoid of any meaning or relation to the school, because we love creating unnecessary barriers to information.

Del Valle ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 7, because who needs a summer break when you can spend more time being indoctrinated!
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 2:50 p.m.: let's give our children a good, early start to their day of rigid, standardized lessons and tests.
  • Middle schools — 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.: an entire work day for our youth, because that's what they are, right? Future workers?
  • High school — 8:45 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.: a mere 35 minute difference from middle school, because we believe in a consistent, soul-crushing experience.
• Enrollment: 11,118 students, 11,118 individuals who we will force to conform to our outdated and oppressive system.
• School supply list: dvisd.net, another example of the completely random and unmemorable URLs that we create to confuse and frustrate parents and students.

Dripping Springs ISD

• School starts: Tuesday, Aug. 13, because Tuesdays are great for starting new things, right?
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary — 7:45 a.m. to 3 p.m.: let's make sure our youngest students get an early start to their day of memorization and compliance.
  • Middle and high schools — 9 a.m. to 4:15 p.m.: a full work day for our middle and high schoolers, because, again, that's their future, right?
• Enrollment: 8,375 students, 8,375 unique individuals with dreams, hopes, and aspirations that will be crushed by our system.
• School supply list: dsisdtx.us, because why not add a ".us" to the end of a URL to make it extra confusing?

Eanes ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, we really like Wednesdays for some reason.
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:40 a.m. to 2:50 a.m. (Eanes: 7:35 a.m. to 2:45 p.m.; Forest Trail: 8:20 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.), because we can't even keep our start and end times consistent within the same district!
  • Middle schools — 8:35 a.m. to 4 p.m.: a consistent schedule, yay!
  • High school — 8:50 a.m. to 4:15 p.m.: a mere 15 minute difference from middle school, because, why change anything?
• Enrollment: 7,733 students, 7,733 minds we will shape into good, obedient, capitalist workers.
• School supply list: eanesisd.net, because we really love making URLs as confusing and unmemorable as possible.

Elgin ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, Wednesdays are great!
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:25 or 7:30 a.m. to 3 or 3:05 p.m.: let's keep it nice and inconsistent!
  • Intermediate school — 8:15 a.m. to 3:50 p.m.: a small break from the relentless schedule for our 6th graders.
  • Middle school — 8:25 a.m. to 4 p.m.: back to the grind!
  • High school — 8 or 9 a.m. to 12:30 or 4:35 p.m.: let's really confuse our high schoolers and give them a truly chaotically structured day!
• Enrollment: 5,404 students, 5,404 individuals who will spend most of their time in our schools being told to sit down, be quiet, and conform.
• School supply list: elginisd.net, please don't confuse this with any of our other URLs.

Georgetown ISD

• School starts: Thursday, Aug. 15, because why not start on a Thursday?
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:40 a.m. to 3 p.m.: of course, an early start for our youngest students.
  • Middle schools — 9 a.m. to 4:20 p.m.: a full work day for our middle schoolers, yes!
  • High schools — 8:40 a.m. to 4 p.m.: a slightly earlier start for our high schoolers, because we believe in crushing any sense of individuality as early as possible.
• Enrollment: 13,155 students, 13,155 minds we will shape and mold into obedient citizens.
• School supply list: georgetownisd.org, a URL that is sure to be easily remembered and accessed by all our parents and students.

Hays CISD

• School starts: Tuesday, Aug. 13, Tuesdays, Tuesdays, how we love thee, Tuesdays.
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 2:55 p.m.: let's get our kids into that capitalist mindset early!
  • Middle schools — 8:10 a.m. to 3:45 p.m.: a small break from the grind for our middle schoolers.
  • High schools — 8:55 a.m. to 4:25 p.m.: a whole 5 minute difference from middle school, why change anything?
• Enrollment: 22,297 students, 22,297 individuals with unique perspectives and voices that our schooling system will promptly silence.
• School supply list: hayscisd.net, because why not add an arbitrary number to the end of the URL?

Hutto ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14 (Veterans’ Hill Elementary starts Monday, Aug. 12), because why not add some more confusion to the mix?
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 2:55 p.m.: the early bird catches the worm, or something.
  • Middle school 8:15 a.m. to 3:40 p.m.: a small rebellion against the rigid schedules of our elementary and high schools.
  • High schools 9 a.m. to 4:25 p.m.: back to the grind, no time for rebellion here!
• Enrollment: 9,620 students, 9,620 individuals who will spend most of their time in our schools being disciplined and taught to conform.
• School supply list: hipponation.org, because why make URLs that have anything to do with the school or district?

Lake Travis ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, Wednesdays are wonderful.
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:40 a.m. to 3 p.m.: of course, an early start for our youngest students, because their childhoods are best spent in schools.
  • Middle and high schools — 8:50 a.m. to 4:10 p.m.: a full work day for our middle and high schoolers, to prepare them for their future as obedient workers.
• Enrollment: 11,399 students, 11,399 minds to mold and shape into good, patriotic, capitalist consumers.
• School supply list: ltisdschools.org, a URL that is sure to be easily navigable and accessible to all our parents and students.

Leander ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, of course, a Wednesday.
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 2:45 p.m.: an early start and a slightly shorter day for our elementary students, because we know their attention spans can't handle any more than that.
  • Middle schools — 9:05 a.m. to 4:20 p.m.: a nice, late start for our middle schoolers, because they are definitely capable of getting themselves ready and to school on time without any help.
  • High schools — 8:15 a.m. to 3:35 p.m.: a slightly earlier start for our high schoolers, because we believe in crushing any sense of individuality as they get older.
• Enrollment: 42,415 students, 42,415 individuals with unique dreams and aspirations that will be promptly standardized and normalized by our system.
• School supply list: Refer to the specific school or teacher, because we believe in a completely decentralized and confusing system; a directory is listed at leanderisd.org/staffdirectory, because why make anything easy to access?

Manor ISD

• School starts: Wednesday, Aug. 14, Wednesdays are wonderful, remember?
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.: another early start for our young, impressionable minds.
  • Middle schools — 8:25 a.m. to 3:55 p.m.: a slightly later start for our middle schoolers, so they can truly understand the joys of sleeping in.
  • High schools — 9:15 a.m. to 4:55 p.m. (Manor New Technology High: 8:25 a.m. to 3:55 p.m.; MEA/MAP: 9:15 a.m. to 4:35 p.m.), because who doesn't love an inconsistent schedule?
• Enrollment: 9,255 students, 9,255 individuals who will spend most of their time in our schools being disciplined and prepared for a life of obedience and compliance.
• School supply list: manorisd.net, a URL that is sure to be easily accessible and not at all frustrating to navigate.

Pflugerville ISD

• School starts: Tuesday, Aug. 13, Tuesdays, terrific!
• Start/end time:
  • Elementary schools — 7:35 a.m. to 2:50 p.m.: let's get our kids into that 9-5 mindset early!
  • Middle schools — 8:20 a.m. to 3:35 p.m.: a small break from the rigid schedule for our middle schoolers.
  • High schools — 9 a.m. to 4:15 p.m.: back to the grind for our high schoolers, no time for fun or relaxation!
• Enrollment: 25,445 students, 25,445 minds to shape and mold into obedient, capitalist consumers.
• School supply list: pfisd.net, another completely random and meaningless URL, because we love creating unnecessary barriers!

Round Rock ISD

• School starts: Tuesday, Aug. 13, terrific Tuesdays!
• Start/end time: Refer to the specific school website, because we love creating a bureaucratic mess! A list of websites can be found at roundrockisd.org/schools, because a centralized list is just too easy and accessible.
• Enrollment: 46,510 students, 46,510 individuals with unique perspectives and voices that will be promptly silenced and conformed to our oppressive system.
• School supply list: roundrockisd.org, a URL that is sure to be easily navigable and accessible, not!