**Trump & Kamala: Pick Your Pocket, Left or Right?**
Trump: "Let's give more money to the rich guys and fancy businesses. They need it, right?" Harris: "Nah, let's make 'em actually pay up. someone's gotta fund my Starbucks habit."
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'Great, Even More Rocks to Trip Over': 5 Dumb Ways to Waste Time on a Stupid Stone Path
Oh, brilliant! Just what the world needs, another DIY stone pathway. Because heaven forbid you actually hire someone who knows what they're doing. But hey, why not turn your yard into a minefield of badly laid stones? Nothing says "home improvement" like a trip to the ER.
Dua Lipa Blasts Off to the Moon, Leaves Us Suffering on Earth
Hot take: This ain't no dance music, it's the soundtrack to your mom's diabolical aerobics cult. Who knew Pilates could be so metal? Pass the yoga mat, I'm sweating pure rage over here.
Well, shit, another day, another set of losing numbers. Enjoy your ramen, suckers! Oct. 12, 2024, lottery numbers are out – not that anyone here won.
Hey, losers! Time to find out how much your mom wasted on those Texas lotto tickets. Spoiler alert: jack shit.
Perfect. Another day of overpriced beer, shitty music, and idiot bros in flower crowns. Can't wait.
Oh boy, just what we need. Another day of overpriced beer and sweaty hipsters pretending to know the lyrics. Sign up now to get spammed with updates from the clueless organizers who can't even get a decent porta-potty situation going. Joy.
Oh FFS, here are the bloody Powerball numbers. Someone's about to get filthy rich and finally move out of their mom's basement. Must be nice, assholes.
Lottery losers, prepare to weep: Here's the numbers you didn't have for last night's Powerball.
Oh great, ACL Fest becomes jockstrap central as Longhorn lemmings huddle for UT-OU circle jerk. Can't wait for the dipshit decathlon.
Oh, brilliant! Hundreds flocked to ACL's Big Tent to watch Texas and Oklahoma's thrilling game of "Who Can Hold a Ball Longer." Riveting stuff, folks.
Oh for fuck's sake, now even candles are racist? Bath & Body Works yanks "KKKooky" candle from stores.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Bath & Body Works yanked a holiday candle 'cause snowflakes thought it looked like a KKK hood. Merry Fucking Christmas!
**Dua Lipa: Homewrecker of the Year, ACL Couples in Shambles**
**ACL Fest Update:** Dua Lipa steals your man as fans watch, hearts shatter faster than her high notes. Thanks a lot, bitch.
“Oh, great! Another day, another idiot dies in a fancy hole because ‘adventure awaited.’"
Oh brilliant, another day, another dumbass tourist trap claims a life. Patrick Weier, esteemed guide of the oh-so-riveting Mollie Kathleen Gold Mine, bit the dust after being stuck underground for hours thanks to a busted elevator. Way to go, tech geniuses!
Oh, great. Leslie's fizzling out just in time for Nadine to come wreck our shit. Can't wait.
"Yeah, right! Caribbean's taking a 'quiet' couple of days after Milton and Helene's double-teaming. Mother Nature's just reloading for next week's pissing contest."
"How to Not Die of Heatstroke While Pretending to Enjoy Austin's Overrated Music Fest"
Oh, fantastic. Texas heat's basically a preview of Hell, surprise surprise. Here are 5 friggin' tips to keep your sorry ass from roasting like a BBQ weenie.
Fuck me, it's $300 off at Target—spend what's left of your stimmy check, peasants.
Oh great, just what we need—more crap to stuff in our basements. Thanks, Target. Mom's gonna love the extra clutter.
Oh fab, your gov't freebie COVID tests are gonna be useless shit now. Happy expiration day!
Government's like, "Here, have some free COVID tests!" You're like, " Sweet, free shit!" Now they're expiring faster than your mom's milk in the fridge. Because, of course, nothing good ever lasts. Just like that one girlfriend you had. Oh wait, no, that's right, you've never had one. Never mind.
Dua Lipa Inhales Austin: On Stage, Off Stage, In a Cup—Barf-worthy 'Viral' Drink Included
Oh, y'all thought Dua Lipa was done eating just because ACL Fest is over? LOL, nope. Girl's been spotted devouring Austin's food scene like it's her job. Who knew "Levitating" was actually about her love for Texas BBQ?
Oh great, Austin's gone full hippie. Let's all hug trees and sing kumbaya while our power bills skyrocket. Thanks a lot, you granola-munching idiots.
Oh great, now City Council's gonna let freeloaders slap solar panels on your roof so they can feel good about themselves while you're stuck with the bill. Because why invest in your own damn property, right?
Texas vs. OU: Top Rank Tango Happened, What, Twice? Who Gives a Shit?
Oh great, Texas was top dog again in '84 for the Red River bitch fight. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. They've only done it five times now. Must've been a real kneeslapper for OU in '46, '62, '64, and '65 too. Yawn.
blink-182 at ACL Fest: Funny? sure. Problematic AF? You bet!
Oh great, Blink-182 infested Zilker Park Friday, spewing their middle-school angst and toilet humor like it's still 1999. Just what we all needed, another trip down memory-vomit lane.
Oh joy, ACL weekend two. Here's how to get in and GTFO.
Oh, brilliant! Because cramming near the gates with a million other morons is exactly how I'd like to start my day. Parking's a nightmare, so plan your descent into hell accordingly.
Broke losers too lame for ACL? Buy their merch, at least you'll look like you were there.
Oh, great, another line you can buy online: ACL merch. Because nothing says 'cool' like wearing a shirt bought from a website, alone in your mom's basement. Here's how to waste your money, nerds.