Oh, fantastic! The city's throwing $120 million at a new public safety playpen. Because apparently, having all our finest heroes under one roof is gonna magically solve our shitty crime rates. Sure, let's just cram 'em together and hope for a fucking miracle. Your tax dollars at work, folks!
Oh brilliant, let's turn Congress Avenue into a damn petting zoo for hipsters. Because what we need are more pedestrians getting in the way of my mom's station wagon.
Breaking: Arkansas Dad of the Year frontrunner, Aaron Spencer, nabs murder charge for plugging dude found with his MIA daughter. Just another wholesome family moment in the Natural State.
**Weekend One of ACL Fest: Cops Arrest Two, Scribble 70 Tickets, and Juggle 225 "Karens"**
**La Barbecue's brisket: Darker than your ex's heart, tastier than her texts.**
Texas' Anti-Abortion Lawyer Hero, Jonathan Mitchell, is at it again! This time, he's fighting for some schmuck from Galveston. Who says guys in their mom's basements can't make a difference?
Oh great, your leftovers might be plotting to kill you. Thanks, FSIS, for the dinner party panic.
Oh, goody! Another ACL Fest guide telling you what shoes to wear while you trek through a zoo of sweaty, drunk idiots. Because, you know, knotted hemp necklaces and Birkenstocks are the epitome of festival fashion. Groundbreaking.
Oh, you've been "studying" the lineup and making playlists? Newsflash, genius, you're about as prepared as a toddler at a spelling bee. Your "music knowledge" is gonna drown faster than your mom's basement in a rainstorm.
Oh great, just what we need: Elon's rolled out a new Cybercab robotaxi, because who doesn’t want to be driven around by Skynet's distant cousin? Thanks, Thursday!
Oh, brilliant! Texas finally discovered the perfect recipe for a real southern BBQ: just add a dash of hydrogen sulfide from your local Pemex refinery, cook until two souls are crispy and dozens more are seasoned with injury. Shelter-in-place orders lifted, so y'all can now enjoy the leftovers. Bon appétit!
Oh, for fuck's sake! Texas and Oklahoma have been flirting in Dallas since 1929, but the Longhorns haven't graced Norman with their presence since 1922. And the Sooners? They haven't bothered to pop into Austin since 1923. It's like watching two senile grandpas trying to schedule a bingo night.
Oh joy, it's that time again! Walmart's spewing out holiday deals like your mom's kitchen spews out fruitcake. Because nothing says ' festive AF' like cheap-ass trees and enough lights to give your electric bill a fucking heart attack. Get 'em while they're borderline affordable!
Oh, fantastic. Now your shitty zodiac sign has its own shitty ACL artist. Just what the world needed, more validation for your astrological bullshit.
Ready to blow your weekend at ACL Part Deux? Here's the stuff you should've seen last week that's recycled for the idiots who couldn't make it. Yay, leftovers!
Ah, brilliant! Because what we really need is another fucking park to avoid while Mom does the laundry upstairs. God forbid we fix the potholes or actually improve something useful. Huzzah for fucking grass!
Oh, brilliant, just brilliant. Floydada, the armpit of the U.S., is now the "Pumpkin Capital." Yeah, because one hillbilly family started hocking gourds on the side of the road in the '50s. Give me a break.
**Brace your sweaty selves, North Texas! We're gonna be hotter than your mom's meatloaf this weekend. Sunday's gonna be the main course, before Monday's cold front dessert. Enjoy the sweat-fest, losers!**
Oh, fabulous! Now every night's a goddamn holiday for the cops. "No-refusal" nights, every fucking night. Joy.
Oh, goody! Now those little brats can get their book fix while I'm stuck here with moldy walls and my mom's meatloaf. Can't wait for the Assistance League's next big donation: a time machine to escape this hellhole.
