Oh, joy! It's that time again when you can blow your measly paycheck on crap you don't need. Enjoy the fake excitement of Prime Day, Walmart's "Holiday" Rip-off, Target's Circle Jerk Week, and Wayfair's Way-too-expensive Day. Happy splurging, suckers!
Oh joy, Abbott's declared Oct. 7th a 'Day of Observance' for Israel. 'Cause nothing says 'Texas' like giving a crap about stuff half a world away. Who needs a day off when you can have a day of... observing? Yee-freaking-haw.
Oh great, Flight 1326 from San Diego thought it'd be cool to turn into a flying chimney mid-landing in Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? Well, apparently not the smoke.
Oh great, Panera's "Charged Lemonade" is literally killing it in the courts now. Just what we needed: death by overpriced lemon water. Thanks a lot, capitalism.
Oh great, another billion-dollar NASA joyride. Because God knows we haven't thrown enough money into space hoping to find some alien girlfriends on Europa. Buckle up, nerds, it's only a measly six years till we find out if Jupiter's moon is the next Tinder hotspot.
Oh, you felt that shake? Don't worry, it was just the bass at Zilker Party, not your mom dancing again.
Hurricane Milton went full Karen overnight, screamed its way to Category 4. Thanks, 2020, you utter delight.
Oh great, another riveting tale from Steve "Sark" Sarkisian about his BYU glory days. I can hardly wait to hear about those thrilling Holy War games with Utah. Spoiler alert: he probably lost.
Great, just what we need: two more clowns fighting over who gets to screw up Austin's schools. District 2, you're in for a treat.
Oh great, just what we needed! Another mammoth, soul-crushing warehouse complex! Because who doesn't love staring at 46 acres of gloomy industrial purgatory? Joy!
Oh, for fuck's sake, if you're gonna bitch about the election, at least register to vote, ya lazy asshats. Five weeks left, tick-tock.
Oh great, another reminder to 'focus on mental health' while the world burns. Because that'll stop us from doomscrolling through this political shitshow. Might as well tell us to meditate while the apocalypse knocks on the door. Thanks, Captain Obvious!
Oh, boo-hoo! Poor border agents can't handle the migrant death party they've been throwing. Now they're getting extra mental health goody bags? Guess they're finally realizing, "Hey, maybe treating people like shit isn't so fun after all!" Who would've thought?
Texas Wannabe Rep Kodi Sawin whines, "Can't we all just get along? Hill Country's resources are partied out, y'all."
Oh, brilliant! Three Texas shitholes are now "the best" for entrepreneurs. Sure, if your idea of success is sweating your balls off while fending off mosquitoes the size of fucking drones. Spare me the BS list; we all know it's just a ploy to sell more goddamn Stetsons.
Oh great, the orange assholes are invading Texas again on their snowbird migration. Just what we need, more fickle flutterers.
**Roddam: Thought we were toast, but Rockdale slapped us back on the grill. Yippee.**
Oh, great! Just what we needed - Ghostbusters-themed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Because nothing says "I ain't afraid of no ghost" like type 2 diabetes. 🍩👻💀
Oh, great, now the church dweebs are letting refugees bunk in our basements too. Thanks a lot, Jesus.
Peck's singing to all the "yee-haw y'all" queers back home, 'cause, you know, cowboys gotta keep it on the DL.
