Hillbilly Hippie Hits the Hill Country: Independent Candidate Pushes Water Woes, Ignores Real Issues

Oh boy, grab your overpriced, shade-grown, fair-trade lattes, folks, because we've got a real hootenanny brewin' down in Spicewood. Meet Kodi Sawin, the tree-hugging, nonpartisan nightmare who's trying to peddle her unique blend of political nonsense at the Pedernales Farmers Market. Sandwiched between a guy hawking habanero dill okra and some overpriced coffee, Sawin's pitching her snowflake campaign for state representative.

"Would you like to hear about my independent run for state representative?" she chirps, like a skipping CD. "My top issues are water, wastewater and land use."

Yeah, you heard right. Not taxes, not guns, not the border, not abortion. Just water and dirt. I mean, who cares about the economy, your rights, or that little thing called immigration when you can harp on about wells and sewage?

Sawin's whining about the Texas Legislature focusing on national issues like drag queens and DEI instead of cow patties and dry wells. I mean, God forbid our lawmakers tackle real issues facing the nation, right?

"One thing we all love is the water and the land. It’s why we live here," she cooed to some local yokel named Hunter Hale. "I’m trying to make politics local again and get more of our voice back at the Capitol."

Politics local again? Honey, the only thing local around here is the manure.

Sawin's running in Texas House District 19, which is redder than a baboon's backside. But she's got a different definition of winning. "My win is something different. Winning, to me, is giving us all hope that there is a way to change the way we communicate about politics," she says, like a goddamn Hallmark card.

Check out her master plan: Focus on local issues, avoid national topics, and play nice. Raised in the "belt buckle of the Bible belt," Sawin's been gallivanting around Texas long enough to see that we've all got more in common than those darn partisan fights.

Oh, and she's mad about redistricting. Her precious neighborhood got pulled out of a purple district and tossed into a deep-red one. "A 70/30 district is unacceptable," she whines. "We stop communicating. When one side is going to win, it’s game over."

Newsflash, cupcake: That's how elections work.

Meanwhile, incumbent Ellen Troxclair is actually tackling real issues, like cutting taxes, border security, and keeping kiddos safe from drag shows. But Sawin? She's over here complaining about water like a broken faucet.

Even some Bernie bro stopped by her table, proving that this hippie-dippie nonsense is catching on with the leftist loons.

"We’re not even talking about water. Why? Because we’re talking about cats in Ohio," griped Jim Mosley, who apparently thinks Ohio felines are a major issue in Texas politics.

And then there's Casie Hall, who's paying out the nose for water deliveries because her well's drier than a desert. "There’s not enough discussion about water and not enough awareness of it," she whimpers.

Well, boo-friggin'-hoo. Maybe if you all stopped whining about water and started worrying about real issues, you'd have something worth talking about.

Sawin wants the Legislature to empower local governments, but they're too busy making life easier for developers. Good luck with that, sweetheart.

This independent nutjob thinks she can reshape our partisan landscape and bring balance to our political discourse. Yeah, and I'm the Easter Bunny.

So here's to you, Kodi Sawin. May your wells never run dry, and may your political career follow suit.